


Oh, that I served that lady

by tricksterlovegodling



Category: SHAKESPEARE William - Works, Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: 'll just go Lemony Snickett here and say it 's me duty to write but not your duty to read, 4 young People start 1 family, A shout out to, Akward family meals, Alternate Universe, But I edited, Crossdressing, Epistolary, F/F, F/M, False Identity, Grief/Mourning, Horseback Riding, Jealousy, Late Night Conversations, Late Night Writing, Late at Night, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Making Out, Mistaken Identity, Multi, Police, Polyamory, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sir Toby being everyone's annoying uncle by the table, Twincest, Wedding traditions, as complete as it gets for a work abandoned for horrifying its author, because a dirty old fic like this can't get any worse, discussed & reviewed, don't drink and write kids, go watch a movie about the littlest elf, inspired by sleeples nights when all me friends had gone to bed, intoxicated writing, like right now, telling the Word it's 2 families for appearances' sake, you'll Wake up to a world in which you published very embarrassing stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-03-08 20:40:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18902260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricksterlovegodling/pseuds/tricksterlovegodling
Summary: Viola serves Olivia, not Orsino. Cesario  never comes to life. And everyone eventually falls in love with everyone.I had fun writing this story and now I hate it, but I just had to make it someone else's problem. If you decide to read it, you're on your own.





	1. All the daughters and brothers too

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I'm not done with Twelfth Night yet. And Shakespeare must suffer for it appearently. This is a work in progress. Feel free to leave a comment

Olivia had said yes to a new gentlewoman out of pity and curiosity rather than need. Malvolio wasn't one to ask favors for others and seeing as he had no particular affection for the girl, Olivia could only imagine the sea captain who had brought her was some kind of friend to her steward.  
The girl, Viola, was a mousy little thing, very pretty, young, and silent at first. During her first week in her service, Viola had been quick to attend, and even quicker to disappear in the background. Olivia had no complaints, she actually wished Maria was as easy going sometimes. But all the silence made her curious about Viola, and she wanted to know her story. The girl, however, didn't volunteer much information, it had to be extracted out of her question by question.  
"Where are you from?" her lady asked as Viola did her hair.  
"Messaline, my lady," the girl answered, and immediately after that returned her eyes to her lady’s hair.  
Olivia looked for Viola's eyes in her reflection but they didn't meet hers. "Is it very different from Illyria?" she insisted.  
"Very different," the girl agreed.  
"Do you miss it?" the lady kept on asking, wondering why the girl was being so mysterious about it.  
"A little, my lady, but there's nothing left for me in Messaline."  
Finally Viola said something she hadn't been asked directly. It was an improvement, Olivia told herself. But she wasn't quite ready to finish her inquiry. "Tell me something you loved in Messaline that we don't have here." It was a question meant to investigate her likes, but Olivia didn't count on the answer: "Sebastian," the girl said before retreating to her silence. "Who's Sebastian?" the lady insisted.  
Viola had tears in her eyes, and Olivia froze in panic. She hadn't meant to hurt the girl, and she felt guilty now. Lately, all her interactions with people involved tears but usually hers. Olivia couldn't even remember the last time she'd been the one doing the consoling .  
Was she supposed to hold Viola? Was she supposed to say everything was going to be alright? She hesitated, thinking she should at least take the girl's hand in hers, and consider her work done. When she did, though, Viola started crying. Had she done anything wrong? Where was Maria now?  
"I'm sorry for upsetting you," Olivia increased the pressure on the hand she held.  
Viola took a few breaths to calm down, and stopped her crying. Eventually she composed herself and apologized to her lady. Olivia merely nodded in acknowledgement but didn't say anything, maybe it was a good thing, because Viola had something to say. "Let me tell you about Sebastian," she offered, and Olivia encouraged her with a nod and her persistent gaze. "He was my brother, my twin. People often said I look like him. He was a fine gentleman, madam. My favorite person. I can't believe we're not together anymore. It makes no sense. He should have lived, I should have perished."  
"What happened to him?" Olivia asked, imagining the most terrible things.  
“The ship that carried us hit rocks during a storm. It was horrible. Only a few of us survived, Viola told her.  
Olivia was shocked. She had expected a sad story but nothing so tragic. This time she didn't think about it, she embraced the girl, feeling protective of her. They had both lost their brothers, Olivia knew only too well what that felt like  
*  
The fool reappeared after a prolonged absence. It wasn’t the first time. The clown would come and go as he pleased, like he owed nothing to the lady who had him fed and lodged. Olivia wished her father and her brother hadn't liked the fool so much, because now she was angry at him, but couldn't find in her heart to send him away. Taking advantage of that, the clown engaged her in one his twisted debates. He almost made her laugh by proving that his lady was a fool. Had she not been upset that her fool came and went showing no loyalty, Olivia might have laughed. As it was, she allowed the fool to stay with Viola and her, while Malvolio was sent to dismiss another of the Duke's messengers.  
Viola was asking the fool's name, what instruments he played, and what songs he could sing. The girl was proving to be a lot more cheerful since Olivia had gotten her to talk. Viola would even volunteer a little more detail in her answers. But through the girl's conversation with the fool, she realized Viola was a bit of a musician herself. And that was new information.  
Olivia couldn't help but to smile at her young gentlewoman's excitement about music. She spoke to the fool like they were old friends. So much so that the clown would finish her sentences and the girl didn't even mind. Olivia was still admiring the smile Viola directed to the fool, not really listening to what they were saying, when a duet of "O, mistress mine" started.  
She was surprised at the song, but had been watching the two for so long, it was no surprise they'd forgotten about her. Viola's voice was so sweet she wanted to cry, and the song itself…  
Olivia left the room suddenly, without saying a word, as fast as she could, struggling to breath, not thinking where she was going or what she was running from. She shut the door behind her, and noticed the surroundings. It was his room.  
Why am I here, she asked herself, but didn't try to answer. Why am I here, she repeated going further in, and facing the wardrobe. Her mind was blank when she opened the door and stared at his clothes. It was a while before his scent found her nostrils, bringing memories of his laughter, his embrace, even his teasing was a fond memory now. Olivia felt weak, and although she was aware how odd her decision was, she still climbed in his wardrobe and did her best to close the door behind her.  
It was safe, she told herself, and let her tears fall of their own accord, while her sobs were made to remain silent, which hurt even more. That song, the one Viola was singing with the fool, it was surely meant to mock her. She thought the verses over, and there was no doubt they taunted her.  
She was too exhausted to move. Her tears had dried but there was no energy left to compel her to get out. Maybe she would stay here for a while. So she rested her head against the wood, and considered falling asleep when she heard the door to the room being opened.  
"Are you in here, my lady?" Viola's voice invaded the wardrobe. Olivia wanted to be outraged that the girl should enter her brother's room, but Viola's concern was so clear in her voice, the countess couldn't bring herself to be angry. "Why are you here, my lady?" the girl asked softly, standing by the door of the wardrobe.  
Olivia didn't have an answer, so she took Viola's hand, and accepted her help out of her hiding place. Back in the room, she was embarrassed at the weakness shown before the girl, and still didn't know what to say. She knew better than to explain herself, that wouldn't help her take charge of the situation.  
The countess knew her idea could be considered a strange one, but she had no other. Olivia looked at the clothes in the wardrobe, and pulled out a hanger with one of her brother's outfits, showing it to Viola. "He would wear this to his hunts," she explained. The girl smiled in response.  
Olivia didn't think, she just put on her brother's jacket, while Viola held the hanger and looked pleasantly surprised. Olivia searched for the hat to go with it, and once it was on her head, turned to the girl, curious about her thoughts concerning her lady’s actions.  
"You make for a lovely count," Viola smiled as her eyes took in the picture.  
Olivia still didn't feel like talking about what she was doing, and Viola was so natural in her acceptance of the whole thing, the countess decided to just continue what she was doing, taking out another hat and placing it on Viola's head. The girl giggled and straightened the hat. She was lost in her appreciation of Viola in her brother's hat, when the girl bowed to her and took on a rather masculine stance. It was so surprising, so well mimicked, Olivia just laughed. It was a relief she hadn't forgotten how.  
"I used to play my brother's shadow," Viola told her, still acting like a boy in her mannerisms. "I'm convinced I could pass for Sebastian."  
Olivia concentrated on her face, trying to see some resemblance to a boy and failing. "I find it hard to believe a man could be this delicate." She saw Viola's smile fade a little, and wondered if the girl would've preferred to be told she could look like a boy. It was an absurd notion. Most likely she was grieving.  
But then again, grief did make her think strange things, why not the girl? Olivia resumed her study of her brother's clothes, until she found something that looked appropriate. She pulled out the hanger and showed Viola: "He wore this to balls. He looked so handsome in it. What do you think?"  
"It's lovely, I mean, as much as men's clothes can be. Don't you think they lack in grace?"  
"I don't know," she'd never thought about it. "I think men aren't expected to be as graceful. They have different priorities. But would you like to try and pass for your brother?" She offered her the clothes. Viola took them but only answered in a dazed stare. "Well?" Olivia tried to bring her back.  
"Do you really mean it, my lady?" the girl asked in disbelief, though her excitement was obvious.  
Olivia smiled and nodded. There was something about Viola's innocent eyes that made her want to care for the girl, protect her, spoil her. She didn't know why she felt like that, maybe that was what it meant to have a friend, a real, close friend. She helped Viola out of her dress, and into her brother's clothes.  
"It's really comfortable!" the girl was surprised to inform once she had fastened the belt.  
She took a few steps around the room, practicing her boyish walk. Olivia laughed, amused that the clothes and gestures concealed so well Viola's femininity, which had seemed so obvious before.  
"What do I look like?" the girl asked excitedly.  
"Like an abnormally pretty boy," Olivia laughed, walking to the full body mirror and pulling away its black cover. "See for yourself," she offered.  
Viola went eagerly to the mirror, only to lose her smile. Her eyes became huge, and she covered her mouth with a hand. "What's wrong?" Olivia worried.  
"I'm Sebastian," she whispered, still staring at her reflection like it was a ghost.  
"Please, mimic him again. Do the walk," Olivia asked, trying to get Viola to smile again, but also because the walk was unexpectedly amusing.  
The girl turned her back to the mirror, and stood there, looking at her own hands. She took deep breaths and squared her shoulders, lifted her head, put her hands behind her, and finally took a few steps around.  
Olivia watched in wonder. She couldn't believe the transformation before her eyes. Viola was really a rare finding! It was like she had magic about her. How else could she change herself like that? How else could she make her smile, and laugh, and care? Magic for sure.


	2. A contemplative idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria is too deep in denial to predict the obvious results of her prank

Maria didn't know what she did wrong but it was absurd to think Olivia would just prefer the new girl's company to hers. Viola wasn't interesting enough to capture her lady's attention on her own. Yet Maria didn't know what she had done to be forgotten by Olivia like that. Every time she would check on her lady the countess would assure her there was nothing she needed. And when she did require for something it was away from her, while Viola was kept by her side. Maria understood her lady felt protective of the girl, naive as she was. But that didn't explain why whenever Viola said or did anything, Olivia would give all her attention to the girl, which never happened when the lady had to listen to anyone else.  
It was out of jealousy as much as boredom Maria decided to make Viola the object of her joke. She had observed the girl and come to the conclusion she was insecure enough that she would try to overcompensate for any criticism received but when she thought better about it, there was only so much fun that could be had from so little mischief. More risk surely would amount to more laughter.   
She tried to discover if the girl had a favorite among the men she would observe so attentively, but it seemed her interest in them didn't go beyond that. Pity! Nothing would be funnier than causing misunderstandings between Viola and someone she fancied.  
Maria kept observing, though, and would see Viola doing strange things. One morning she saw the girl in the garden with a stick in hand, pretending to fence, like little boys did. On another occasion, she saw her playing five stones with the fool, and win. Maria wondered to herself if the fool was letting the girl win, but she had never seen the clown extending such kindness to anyone but little children.  
Her certainty about Viola's strangeness, however, took its full form one evening when the girl accompanied her lady from the garden to the house. It was dark at the hour, and Maria watched them both from the house. She could only make the outline of their shadowy shapes, and that was the first reason for confusion. She had seen Viola with her lady earlier but now she didn't recognize the shape next to Olivia's. Hadn't she known better, Maria would've thought there was a young man keeping her lady company. Then she blinked, and the figure was clearly Viola. As they came towards the house, Maria was uncertain more than once whether that one really was Viola.  
By the time both women came to the house, Maria was wondering if there was anything wrong with her eyes that she would be in doubt. It was probably just light playing a trick. The same, however, couldn't be said of the look Viola gave their lady. Maria could've been an idiot, she still would've known what that smile and those eyes meant when put together, had she looked upon sir Toby like that, Maria would've already poisoned her tea: Viola was in love with Olivia.  
Maria had to use all of her self-control not burst into laughter right then and there. Instead she started concocting her plan. Viola had no idea how similar Maria's writing was to Olivia's. That was probably a good way to cause some amusing misunderstanding between the girl and the lady.  
She wrote a pained letter about a lady who was completely torn between what she believed propper, and the untamed feelings that grew stronger whenever she was around her handmaid. The letter informed how madly her heart would thunder when said maid distractedly acted in a boyish manner she knew should be reproved in a young lady, and yet her elder was too charmed to condemn them. There was a request Maria had struggled with to make as flawless as possible. That her young love, knowing how forbidden their passion was, shouldn't expect from her lady any displays of affection other than those from a lady to her maid, and yet if the girl meant to please her, the lady was always delighted by her boyish talents.  
Maria watched carefully, knowing the letter was a trap no lovefool could escape but aware that it was discreet enough that the girl wouldn't talk directly about it. Viola would blush a deep crimson to any words Olivia directed to her, even if it was just "good morning".  
Maria excused herself, saying she was going to check on the kitchen staff. She found a hiding place by a corridor and opened her ears to their interaction.  
"Are you ill, dear girl?" her lady questioned. Maria could hear the appraisal in Olivia's voice.  
"Ill, my lady? On the contrary," Viola's guilty voice made a response. "Maybe it doesn't show, because I don't want everyone to notice, but I'm happy, my lady."  
"Are you sure?" Olivia insisted. "You look feverish."  
"I don't feel sick, my lady," the girl guaranteed. "But I hope I'm not living some fever dream. I should be heartbroken to find the world the same as last morning."  
Maria feared the girl was growing bold enough to mention the letter but her curiosity got the best of her. She kept listening.  
"What makes this morning better than the last?" Olivia inquired. Her tone making it clear she wanted to know what the girl was talking about.  
There was a quiet moment followed by the lady's laughter. Maria was furious that she couldn't see it but hopefully the next words would explain something. "Have you been practicing?" Olivia asked. "I think there's something different about it today. Even more convincing."  
"Thank you, my lady," the girl sounded like she had gotten the best compliment of her life. "I know it… amuses you, my lady. So, yes, I have been practicing."  
Oh! Maria got it now: the girl was mimicking a boy. She had no idea her lady actually found it entertaining, and cursed herself for not picking another of Viola's defects to stand out in her letter. Well, too late. But she still could poison the girl (now figuratively) by letting her overhear some comment her lady had made and Maria was repeating.  
When the lady sent Viola to fetch Malvolio, Maria ran. She gave it minute, and went back to her lady. She informed Olivia of the meal being prepared, shared some harmless gossip she knew wouldn't interest the countess, and finally, as if for lack of subject, asked about Viola.  
"I sent her to fetch Malvolio. There's no reason to delay my duties. I want some time to myself in the afternoon, so I better get on with my obligations as early as I can."  
"Of course," Maria agreed. "I can't begin to tell my lady how glad I am to see you in such a diligent mood. I worry, though, is this time alone you crave going to be used for mourning?"  
"I'm ever in mourning," her lady spit out in contempt. "All it takes is being awake. Sometimes not even that, for he will come to me in dreams." She sighed. "No, my leisure is to be spent with idle reading, gardening, or even that rascally fool, if he hasn't disappeared again."  
"Would you like me to get the fool ready for the afternoon?" Maria offered, trying to steer the topic to Viola. "I'm sure he's asleep somewhere about the house," she went on. "He was singing with your cousin, Sir Toby, and his friend last night." Olivia let out an exasperated sigh at the mention of her cousin but otherwise ignored it. A lot had been discussed about Toby, she wouldn't send him away, and Maria had a feeling she enjoyed complaining about her cousin more than she would have liked a sober relative with reasonable arguments for the end of her prolonged mourning, and interest in the estate's affairs.  
"Yes, find the fool" she ordered.  
"I will, madam. I'm sure he'll be more than willing to pair with lady Viola for your amusement," Maria added maliciously.  
"Pair with Viola?" the lady echoed in confusion.  
"Oh, they make a funny combination, my lady. If you close your eyes, you'll swear it's two boys playing," she feigned a good hearted laugh, as if she had affection for the two.  
"Good for them, I suppose," Olivia muttered.  
Maria didn't understand her lady's reaction. Was she jealous? No, it couldn't be. She was too condescending to Viola to be in love. Did she envy the younger's carefree ways? It was more likely.  
"Does my disapprove?" Maria probed.  
"What's there to disapprove?" Olivia dismissed the idea. But with sudden interest she changed the subject: "Maria, what do you suppose men talk about?"  
The gentlewoman couldn't contain a laugh. "There's one thing we know for sure, my lady, after all it's what they're always after." She laughed at her own inappropriate thoughts, and Olivia followed, blushing on cue. "But other than that," she insisted, struggling to compose her face back to nonchalance.  
"It's not a different matter really, but sir Toby, your cousin, and his knight friend often talk about life's purpose." She didn't add their conclusions, it was not her place to point out their stupidity, and her lady probably already knew what her cousin thought life was for.  
"A man who can't bother himself with philosophy when sober, can't have anything interesting to say about that, especially if he's drunk," Olivia decreed.  
"Very true, they lack content to their debates," Maria dutifully agreed, still wondering why her lady was thinking about men all of a sudden.  
"I wonder what conversations my brother would have with his fellows," the countess revealed before Maria could ask her anything.  
"I'm sure my lord your brother, may he rest in peace, had deeper thoughts than those your cousin shares with his friend." She lied for her lady's sake. Maria was convinced all men were the same in their faults, though they might vary in virtue. "He was an exemplary gentleman," she added honestly. Whatever might have been her late lord's weaknesses he had hidden them well.  
They were interrupted by Malvolio's arrival. Maria was dismissed but Viola was asked to stay and keep her company. The girl eagerly took a seat, a little too delighted for someone who'd been asked to sit quietly through a tedious affair. At least Maria had the pleasure of seeing her lady take in Viola's demeanor, and change her mind, with a worried look to her face:  
"Then again, my dear, this will probably bore you to no end. You should leave me, too. I'll send for you later."  
Viola was quick to hide her disappointment but not so quick that Maria would miss it. She relished in that. The girl fake smiled and took her leave. Her eyes, however, betrayed everything. She doubted Viola could keep a secret if her life depended on it.  
She later went looking for the fool, and warned him lady Olivia might have use for him that afternoon. Of course the clown acted like he had no control on the events between now, and the afternoon, but she knew he wasn't stupid enough to anger their lady with his absence when he was allowed to vex her with his folly. She let him know that much.  
"God protects the fools and children of this world, good mistress," he smiled a smile that was older and wiser than himself, then shrugged it off, and started dancing around her. "He won't allow it to happen. I walk safely in divine protection."  
"When have you become so godly?" she fished for a joke.  
"The same time as any other ungodly man," he set it up.  
"And what time is that?" she bit the hook willingly.  
"When it best excuses my sins," he delivered with grandious but meaningless gestures.  
Maria agreed with that logic. She knew those people, and wasn't above pretending to be one of them if she ever needed to excuse her sins to others. But she needed no additional reasons to do things other than because they were fun.  
"Did you let lady Viola win at five stones?" she changed the subject.  
"It takes skill to win," he dodged the question.  
"That's not a no," Maria observed.  
"Were I a gentleman to let a lady win, I'd have to be one all the way through, and be a gracious loser," he once more avoided a direct answer.  
"But since you're not a gentleman," Maria prompted.  
"Since I'm not a gentleman my word can't be trusted."  
"Hat trick," Maria observed. "I think you have a stronger reason than manners to protect her so," she accused, and waited for the reaction.  
The fool smiled with understanding, and wasted no time in saying: "Now, that would be the highest foolery I can imagine."  
"Which doesn't mean it's not true," she insisted.  
"Mistress Mary, your fictions are so delightful, I fear you're missing an even better story unfolding before your very eyes," he smiled mysteriously but Maria believed she had a good idea what he meant. "There are loves sweeter than a fool's blooming of late. Laughable as other people's loves always are but entertaining for that very reason."  
"Tell me what you mean," she tried.  
"You'll like it better to see for yourself," he laughed and shrugged.  
Maria left the fool certain he knew Viola was in love with Olivia. What other love would be as sweet and laughable as he had described?  
*  
In the afternoon, Olivia took to the garden with Viola in tow. Maria peeked through the hedges, and concentrated on their conversation. She saw her lady bent over a rose, her back turned to Viola, whose face was scarlet, and Maria had to cover her mouth to stifle a laughter when she understood the reason the girl was fidgeting so much was because she was trying to find a manly pose.  
When Olivia turned back to the girl, it didn't take her long to notice something different about the way she looked at her.  
"You're very quiet today," the lady observed. "What's in your mind?"  
Viola turned purple, and Maria was dying silencing the endless laughter that wanted to break free. "I-- I--," the girl had no answer.  
"What?" Olivia insisted sounding amused by the girl's hesitance.  
"I was wondering," the girl finally began, "do you think I would be more attractive if I were a man?"  
Maria was surprised, impressed even, that the girl was so brave to be talking about what she read.  
"I don't think it would make much of difference," Olivia answered simply, and Maria didn't understand why she wasn't more surprised at the idea. "But if you were a man," the lady added, "we probably wouldn't be friends."  
Viola took that as encouragement, and sat next to Olivia, turning her huge smile to her. Surely it made the lady uncomfortable, for she soon insisted: "What are you thinking that makes you smile so much?"  
"I'm not smiling at my thoughts," Viola admitted in a shy voice.  
"Are you smiling at my looks?" Olivia said as if the idea was too absurd to be true.  
"Well," Viola laughed at herself weakly.  
Olivia looked shocked. She stood up and stared at Viola in need of an explanation. The girl however went pale and mute.  
Maria was having so much fun she didn't notice anything until a whisper came close to her ear: "Taking my advice, good mistress?" She nearly screamed.  
When she turned around and saw it was just the fool, she was as relieved as angry, and swatted at him. He deserved worse. But since the interaction in the garden promised to be more entertaining, she let it slide, and turned her attention back to spying.  
Obviously she had missed an important part of their exchange, for when she saw them now they were wrapped in each other arms, kissing.  
She had no thoughts on that matter. What she had to do however, was simple. She pulled the fool along stepping away. Once they were far enough, she spoke very seriously to him: "You didn't see me this afternoon, you understand? And you certainly didn't see anything in the garden, you hear me?"  
"Why, madam, not knowing things is my craft," he informed her with mock offense.  
"I hope so, you'll live longer," she warned.  
Once they parted ways, Maria allowed herself a minute of anger towards her frustrated prank. It was only a minute, though. Soon she was after some new amusement. Maybe some gossip, or better yet finding some new target for her boredom.  
That's when she saw Malvolio looking down on that fellow Fabian. And, oh, how she hated Malvolio!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Sebastian is followed by a fool while sightseeing, Antonio walks into a bar.


	3. A well known favour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian sees Illyria while Antonio goes to the Elephant. A fool insists on guiding Sebastian, and Antonio has a hard time avoiding the duke's officers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating because of the word Maria uses for Sebastian/Viola. What's a g-rated insult that feels satisfying?

Sebastian felt better knowing Antonio would be waiting for him at the Elephant. He wished his friend could accompany him, of course. Most importantly, though, he was amazed at his own luck to find such loyalty when all else was lost.   
He stared at a monument he'd walked a long way to see but all he could think of was that sudden happiness when he learned Antonio had followed him. Sebastian didn't expect to miss his friend so much. He considered how better everything had become from the moment he saw Antonio had come too. Was it wrong to feel so? He didn't have anyone else, wasn't it only natural he should love Antonio more strongly for that very reason? What would Viola say?  
"Well, well, well," said a fool, smiling at the boy, pulling him away from his thoughts. "I believe I have before my eyes the most beautiful man ever to set foot on Illyria."  
Sebastian was confused: "What?"  
"I see you're off to adventure, and I would gladly squire for you, my-- sir."  
"You want to follow me?" Sebastian became full of suspicions.  
"Good sir, I would offer you my services," the fool insisted.  
"Do you mean to make me laugh?" The boy eyed the fool carefully, suspecting something but not sure what.  
"That's implicit," the fool shrugged. "But a fool is good distraction for those who would take a closer look, don't you think, sir?" The fool looked at him like they had a secret. Sebastian didn't get it.  
"Are you performing some act?" Maybe it was a new style, or something particular of that country. "Is this common in Illyria? What kind of comedy is this?"  
"I see what you mean, good sir," the fool smiled. "Concern isn't food for laughter, otherwise all mothers would be comedians, and if I remember correctly they're no fools."  
Sebastian decided that since the fool was meddling he might as well be useful. But when he asked for directions, the boy was met with a confusing answer: "If you need help to get there, you're probably new to Illyria, and I bet you are, for you're a man I've never seen."  
"Well, I have just arrived," the boy admitted. "Will you help me or not?"  
"I will," the fool promised. "This way, sir.”  
*  
Antonio had arranged for a room at the Elephant, and decided to go out and find Sebastian. He knew his friend wanted to see the famous sights of the place, so it shouldn't be too difficult to find him.  
The south end of the city didn't have as many officers as the center. The more he followed that direction, the more he found the need to cross the street suddenly, in front of the karts and their content. He would also have coughing fits, pick up some object he'd dropped, or even engage in a conversation with whoever was next to him, anything that allowed him to avoid being seen by the officers.  
Antonio started a conversation with one of the salesman when some officers came that way. It was mostly superficial: the weather, the slow day, some gossip saying the Duke Orsino was after the love of the countess Olivia, but he took the opportunity and asked the man if he'd seen Sebastian. He described his young friend, and the salesman told him he had seen someone who fit the description, accompanied by a local fool, heading East.  
Antonio checked with the corner of his eye: the officers had gone by, it was safe to go now. He took the direction the salesman had pointed, and went looking for Sebastian. There wasn't anything worth his time to be seen, in Antonio's opinion but he knew Sebastian was interested in things he would have taken for granted, his friend was like that. Well, to the east, then.  
Antonio wasn't one to walk distractedly, specially when he knew it wasn't safe for him. So he kept a careful eye where he was going. It was a relief to see fewer soldiers as he left the center, still he had to look out. That's why he betrayed no fear when a pair of officers came the opposite direction. Antonio walked to the tavern he had spotted before the men and faked purpose. It was a terrible decision.  
The place was filled with off-duty officers, who drank, played cards, and laughed like they were harmless. Antonio knew he had to make himself as uninteresting as possible, and in his experience no one is ever interested in a man in need. So he walked to the bar and asked for a job.  
"I'm strong, I can help with heavy lifting," he offered.  
"I can't afford help," the man informed.  
And what else is new, Antonio thought to himself. Honest work depended on honest people, and Antonio hadn't met many he'd call honest after a few hours. "Do you know where I can find a job?" he insisted, trying to make the lie good. The man looked him up and down like he was deciding something, and whatever it was, it was negative. "You'll have a better chance at the south district," he informed, not giving him his full attention. "South district, you say?" Antonio repeated, pretending he didn't know the man had just pointed him to the shadiest part of town, the one he'd just come from. Better take his leave.  
He took a quick assessment of the clearest way to the door, and looked down as he made his way out. He was at the door when a fight broke on the other end of the tavern. Good, he thought, it will get all of their attention. And he was out.  
In the street he sighed, relieved everything had gone well. It was time to keep looking for Sebastian. He had taken only a few steps, when a man was thrown out. Probably one of the fighters, he didn't really get to see their faces. Two more came out to convince the officer to leave with them. The first one made loud complaints, and Antonio was thankful for that too, everyone would be looking at the officer. He could just continue up the street.  
Antonio was so sure, he never thought he would just run into yet another officer, who was turning that same corner in the opposite direction. That was unfortunate. Now he had to make that man want to be free of him.  
"I'm so sorry, sir," he apologized, helping the man steady himself, a touch that clearly annoyed him. "I should pay better attention where I'm going, I know that, it's just the street is so busy right now with the fight and all that. I'll be more careful."  
"What fight?" the officer questioned to Antonio's satisfaction. "The one in the tavern. They threw a man out and everything." Now the man was trying to see something in front of the Wolf and Lamb, not looking at Antonio anymore. "Fine," the officer said. "Just watch where you're going." He walked away from Antonio and towards the tavern.  
It should have been a flawless distraction, except those men always walked in pairs, and the one Antonio hadn't bumped into was still there, studying his face.  
*  
The fool bounced around and sang as he guided Sebastian to a memorial he meant to see. They had been walking for some time now and seen a few of the landmarks which had brought Sebastian there in the first place. He was considering finding some place to eat, even if the fool tagged along, well, he'd guided him, hadn't he? He owed him some sort of payment, why not that?  
"Where can we eat?" he asked the fool, who knew all about the city, apparently.  
"It's hard to say which of the many respectable establishments in town will become the most interest once you're there."  
The clown had been making cryptical comments like that all time, so even though it was weird Sebastian was getting used to not getting it. He shrugged his confusion off, and kept waiting for the fool to decide. "Are you sure you want to do that?" the clown looked at Sebastian like he was worried about him.  
"If I'm sure I want to eat?" the young man asked in exasperation. "You really are a fool."  
"I am," he smiled proudly. "But, my dear, isn't it even more foolish to take a dangerous route, when every other path also leads to adventure. Any lowly schemer can fool drunk men. Let's make it a real challenge, let's see if you can fool Maria."  
"I don't want to fool anyone. I just want some food, don't you?" Sebastian practically whined, getting more tired and moody by the second.  
"My good man," the clown snorted, as if telling a joke already, "I've been fooling food out of our dear Maria from the moment I met her. You don't have to, of course. But we can see how long it will take her to really use her eyes if I introduce you as my friend…"  
"Sebastian," the young man completed. "You could be a Sebastian," the clown nodded, and beckoned him to follow. "I am," he insisted but the fool dismissed it with a shrug. "I don't want to do this. You may be used to begging but I don't have to." His persistence was just ignored, and he understood the clown didn't care. He would have parted ways right then but the fool was also resolute. "Are you afraid of Maria?" he bullied. "Don't worry, there's no bite to her bark. She's more on your side than you think, my good man."  
"What?" How could anyone be on his side if they'd never met. The fool snorted, as if Sebastian was being dense on purpose. "She'll make sure no else is around when my lady sees you," he said instead of an explanation.  
"Why is that a good thing?" Sebastian questioned.  
"Not that I know anything about it," the fool began, making clear he knew it all, whatever it was, "but you look very… Sebastian right now. And I think she might just decide to kiss a pretty man like you if she finds one standing in her garden."  
Now he wanted to see this lady. He knew it was stupid, and told himself not to believe it but he followed the clown anyway.  
When they entered the property, Sebastian worried it was too wealthy for him to simply enter at a fool's invitation, but the people at the gate not only didn't ask any questions, they shot Sebastian a confused look, bowed unsure, and greeted him.  
"Good afternoon… sir?"  
"Good afternoon, gentlemen," he answered with a reassuring nod. Were they confused by the fool's company that they doubted he was a gentleman?   
Well, the fool didn't stop for the exchange, so he had to run after him for a few steps. Luckly he didn't walk straight lines but danced and bounced instead, which made it easier for Sebastian to catch up. They entered the kitchen through the servants's door at the back, and the fool put his arms around a woman who had her back to them in an obvious attempt to be obnoxious. She gasped, and freed herself, swatting at him as many times as it took to get him to back away, protecting his face and laughing.  
"Good mistress," he said between laughs, "that's no way to treat a hungry man."  
"Is that what you are?" she prolonged each syllable in a derisive tone. "And is it me you're hungry for to be acting like that?"  
"Hungry for your good will," he smiled peevishly. "Well, that's not how you get it," she informed with another swat. Then her eyes stopped at Sebastian.  
He'd been about to hit the fool himself when he touched the lady, but her swatting at him was much more entertaining. Now he found himself tongue tied before the woman's s scrutinizing eyes.  
"Girl, what in the world you think you're doing?" she shouted furiously at the young man.  
Sebastian looked behind his back to make sure the woman didn't mean him but there was no girl standing there. "Did you just call me girl, madam?" It was just his luck his voice should come out all shrill right then. The fool was laughing so hard he was practically rolling on the floor.  
She didn't even hear his question. Her shouts kept coming at him: "Have you been out like that? Are you mad? What are you trying to accomplish? No, I don't want to know. Just go and change before everybody sees you!"  
Sebastian had never felt this confused in his life. He actually took a few steps back surprised by the intensity in which the lady advanced towards him. "Madam, I don't understand what you're saying." He put his open hands in front of him, as to let the lady know she shouldn't come any closer but she did. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the kitchen and into the house. "Now, lady, wait a minute! Please, tell me what's happening. Maybe I should leave," but she held on so tightly to his wrist, he wouldn't be able to free himself without hurting her. "Don't play dumb with me, you sly, little bitch!" And swatted at him with her free hand like she had done to the fool, who by the way had deserted him.  
Before she could land her hand on him again, Sebastian stopped her in mid-action, grabbing her wrist more firmly and with less pressure than she did his. Maria groaned in frustration, let go of his wrist and tried to hit him with that hand. He stopped her again. "Madam, I'm a gentleman, not a fool, I won't stand for this," he warned looking her in the eye. He didn't know what the lady expected of him but she was visibly surprised. Did she really think he was going to accept her insults?  
Maria screamed in frustration. Sebastian let go of her hands but watched her movements carefully until he was sure she wasn't going to try to hit him again. Her scream caught the attention of some servants who now approached curiously.  
The man who entered the room made it more silent just with his presence. His back was so straight it was stiff, and his eyes looked down on everything from up there. Usually Sebastian would find his attempt at grace laughable but he was too overwhelmed by confusion for that at the moment. He hoped the man would tell him what was going on in that house.  
"Mistress Mary, what's the meaning of this? Who is that gentleman? Does my lady know he is here?"  
"Of course she does," Maria answered without missing a beat. "Do you think I let everyone who calls at the gate in? My lady is to receive him in her sitting room."  
Upon hearing this the man looked Sebastian up and down in speculation. He didn't hide his disapproval well. "Fine, carry on," he dismissed them with a sweep of his hand.  
"This way, sir," Maria led. The way she treated him, one would think she resented him. Then why didn't she kick him out? Why did she come up with that lie? Once they were in the room and away from everyone else, Sebastian tried again: "Madam, isn't it better that I leave?"  
"Don't you start that again. Do you think everyone is as stupid as Malvolio? People will notice. Are you so selfish you don't see how this will affect my lady?"  
"Selfish?" he echoed indignantly. "What do I have to do with any of this?" he snapped. "Just point me the way out, please."  
"Is this serious?" Maria was shocked. "Have you gone mad?"  
"Have you, my lady? I swear I've never been this confused. If you're so angry, why don't you just let me go?"  
"I'm starting to worry about you. Don't you see the problem in that?" she pointed at Sebastian apparently meaning all of him.  
"I don't want to be a problem, madam. I promise you'll stop worrying about me all the sooner if you show me the way out," he negotiated.  
"No!" she refused sternely. "You stay put. Maybe my lady can talk some sense into you." And she left.  
Despite not knowing his way around the house, Sebastian wasn't about to sit and wait when he had no reason to be there. It took him a full minute to decide that but he finally went to the door and opened it. He walked down the hallway, and came to a room by the foot of a staircase. Coming down from it was the most beautiful woman Sebastian had ever seen.  
He couldn't move. He stood there dumbfounded, watching the smile that came to her lips the moment she saw him. It was like she knew him. The lady held him and kissed his cheek affectionately. "You look beautiful, my darling," she whispered sending chills all over the young man. And to his complete surprise, she took his hand, pulling him upstairs. "Come," she insisted.  
Sebastian found it difficult to believe what was happening. Even though the whole day had been a strange one, he had some experience being yelled at for no reason, but it was the first time a beautiful woman he'd never seen before kissed him and invited him upstairs so determinately.  
The room they entered had a few comfortable looking chairs, a small table, and a couch. The lady directed him to the latter, and not only sat with him, but put her arms around his neck and pulled him into her kiss. What else he could do other than kiss back? He knew he was supposed to be respectful to all ladies but this one was giving into the couch, and pulling him on top of her. Was that disrespectful? He thought so but the lady looked so pleased. Wouldn't it be disrespectful to refuse her? There was no time to make up his mind about that.  
"Someone's coming," the lady warned in a whisper, pushing him back and sitting upright. Sebastian looked at her, expecting some direction but the door was immediately opened.  
Upon seeing the young woman at the door Sebastian stood up in shock. She dropped the papers in her hand, and covered her mouth. His eyes stung, tears threatened to show and he didn't know what to do now. If he said anything he would surely cry but if he didn't there was no way he would know for sure.  
He walked to her, picked up the papers she'd dropped, and struggled to say that one word: "Viola?" She wrapped him in her arms, sobbing.  
"I knew you were alive," his sister said without letting go.  
Suddenly he could no longer contain his tears. Nothing that happened that day had been as fantastical as this one. He never expected to see her again in life. Now they were reunited in this most unexpected way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Viola and Sebastian look for Antonio


	4. Set forth in pursuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viola and Sebastian try to find Antonio, and discover a rather big obstacle in the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter that answers nothing

Viola and Sebastian couldn't bear to let go of one another. She knew Olivia was watching, and deserved an explanation, but the girl had no more idea than her lady how it was possible that her brother was standing right there as alive as she was. All Viola could do was introduce the two. Olivia had a horrified look to her face for a second but managed to compose herself quickly.  
She saw a smile play on her lady’s lips when Sebastian bowed, unaware of how many times his sister had mocked the gesture in her presence.  
"It's a pleasure to meet my dear friend's brother," she announced, "and an honor to witness a reunion as miraculous as this. You are welcome to my house, good sir."  
Viola smiled at her, not only thankful for Olivia's welcoming of her brother but also amused by the persistent study her lady made of the twins. Sebastian was blushing before Olivia's curious eyes. He said his thanks, but became less confident as her gaze persisted, and looked at his sister probably in search of some reassurance of what to expect from the lady. Viola couldn't be happier: the two people she loved the most were here.  
"Sebastian, you have to tell me what happened to you," she urged him. "How were you saved? Where were you?"  
Her brother didn't answer. Instead, he was suddenly worried. "Antonio," he said in a start. "He must be wondering where I am. Sister, Antonio is the one who saved me. He is waiting for me at the Elephant, I can't leave him thinking something bad happened. I have to find him and tell him the good news." As usual, his eyes would tell what he tried to conceal: he couldn't decide between staying with the sister he'd recovered from the dead, and the friend to whom he owed his life.  
"The Elephant?" Olivia repeated in disapproval. "You should stay in my house, I'm sure Viola would prefer so," she turned to the girl for confirmation.  
"It would be lovely, thank you, my lady," Viola quickly agreed, turning to her brother in expectation.  
"I'm honored by your generosity, my lady. But right now I must find Antonio, and tell him what's happening," he was looking at Viola by the end.  
"I'll send for him," Olivia offered. "One of my people will find your friend at the Elephant, and bring him over," she added before Sebastian's hesitation.  
"He wouldn't trust your man," Sebastian informed, looking down. "It's best I should go in person."  
"Then let me go with you," Viola pleaded, overcome with fear her brother would disappear again.  
Both Sebastian and Olivia were against the idea but Viola insisted on accompanying her brother, and her anxiety was too clear on her face that the others thought best to comply. So she went with Sebastian, attended by some of Olivia's men.  
On their way, Viola took the opportunity to ask her brother what had happened to him and where he had been these past three months. He told her all about Antonio's care and company, warming the girl to the friend who'd become so dear to him. Sebastian had questions, too, he wanted to know if Viola had been attending that lady all along, how she had survived, if she was happy with her new life, and most importantly: "Your lady holds you very dear to her, doesn't she?"  
Viola blushed. "I hope she does," she admitted. "She's very dear to me." And after some hesitance, she decided it was best to be honest with him. "I love her as much as I love you but there's a different shape to that love."  
Sebastian nodded in understanding, smiled, and commented: "That much is clear from the way you look at her."  
"My eyes keep telling tales of me," Viola smiled. "I'm so glad you're here," Sebastian confided affectionately. "I can't wait for you to meet Antonio."  
"I'm sure I can't help but love the man who saved my brother," she assured, noticing a certain gleam in her brother's eyes when talking about his friend.  
They didn't find Antonio at the Elephant, though. Sebastian struck up a conversation with the innkeeper, learning Antonio had gone out to find him. The young man was terribly worried when he heard the news. Viola knew from her brother's face that he would've waited for his friend's return if not for her. That made her feel guilty but didn't change the need to keep track of him.  
"Let's leave a word to him," she suggested. "He'll know where to find you."  
Sebastian wasn't satisfied by that, his continuous frowning denounced that. Viola, however, didn't know what else to do. "Maybe he's looking for something to amuse himself while he waits for you," Viola suggested. "What does he like? We can look for him in those places."  
"I suppose so," Sebastian agreed in his words but it clear that wasn't good enough for him. "It's just Antonio said this place wasn't safe for him. I worry something might've happened."  
Viola didn't know Antonio was wanted by Orsino's officers, so was more hopeful. She turned to the innkeeper, who was more than happy to spare a few words for a beautiful girl, asking where their friend could've gone if he was after amusement. To which the man replied: "There are many such places around but I hear there's some sort of celebration happening at the Wolf and Lamb, which is a favorite for the duke's soldiers, you see. They say they've arrested some pirate, and now those officers are drinking to that. They say it's turned into a party in there."  
Suddenly Sebastian became too anxious to stay. He thanked the innkeeper, and left with Viola. Once outside, he told her his worries: "I fear Antonio is the pirate they have arrested, and if that is so, it's all my fault."  
"Is your friend a pirate?" Viola worried for Sebastian. "That's what his enemies would call him," he stood up for Antonio. Viola nodded, understanding her brother was as in love with that man as she was with Olivia.  
Viola knew that Olivia's people would raise less suspicion if they were to ask about the pirate who'd been arrested at the Wolf and Lamb. They were locals, and their questions would be taken as idle curiosity, while a stranger like Sebastian would be too quickly associated to the pirate as another. And if Antonio wasn't the pirate they had arrested, getting their attention would only bring the officers to the real Antonio once they met. Her brother was soon convinced of that, and agreed to wait until Olivia's people came back with the news.  
"I hear his name is Antonio," said the first. "I hear it's Vulcan," the second disagreed. "No! It's Antonio," the third confirmed.  
"I hear he was hanged," the second one reported to Sebastian's horror. "I hear he is as good as hanged," the first one corrected. "I heard the words 'rot in jail' very clearly," the third one disagreed.  
Viola turned to Sebastian in order to see how he was taking those mixed reports. He was visibly anxious but also in thought. There was some new course of action he was already considering. She just waited for him to share his conclusions.  
"I must speak with this duke Orsino," he finally told her. "If Antonio is his prisoner, this man is my only chance to free him."  
Viola agreed with his reasoning but she didn't feel comfortable with the idea. Orsino was the man who'd send his messengers to Olivia over and over, no matter how plain she made that his suit was of no interest to her. In a certain sense, he was her rival for Olivia's heart. She didn't feel particularly cheerful at the prospect of meeting him. "Maybe we should ask for my lady's intervention. She's influent, and it's said the duke's in love with her, I'm sure if she comes along, he won't deny her anything," Viola suggested.  
"Well, if I fail now, then I'll ask for her help," Sebastian decided. "But I can't make Antonio wait in a cell while I try to convince your lady of the gravity of this. I must speak with the duke immediately." As he announced that, he looked at Olivia's men, observing their reaction.  
"We'll accompany you, sir," the first one said. "And lady Viola. This way."  
"It's getting late," said another one, as they made their way. "He might refuse us on account of that alone." But the other disagreed: "I think he might want to hear a gentleman, like lady Viola's brother." It might've been a greater comfort if this man wasn't the same who had said the prisoner's name was Vulcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would've published this sooner but I stumbled upon "Gender Trouble in Twelfth Night" and had to finish that classy mf  
> Next chapter: Orsino meets Viola and Sebastian, and gets a case of lust at first sight, which he'll call love, because, you know, it's Orsino


	5. Sweet pangs of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orsino strikes a deal with Sebastian in exchange for Antonio's freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orsino is a silly man with a silly perspective

Orsino had felt ill all day. There had been a fool about the house last night, Curio had named him Feste, who sang a plain old song he'd heard from the spinsters and knitters in the sun, but he never felt for it as he did in the fool's voice. It was a sweet pain. And for the part of the night he'd tossed sleepless in bed, the tune repeated in his head. So in the morning he asked for it again. This time, though, the pain of the song had no sweetness to it, it was a knife being turned.  
He'd been so furious at the tears brought to his eyes before his men and the fool, he shut himself up for the rest of the morning, angry at his own softness of heart.   
The lack of response convinced him more and more that Olivia wasn't for him. He was sure by the end of her mourning she'd see he was the best option for a husband but Orsino didn't have seven years. He wanted her now. He might be dead in seven years!  
Her silence might’ve been easier to bear if only there was someone he could talk to about it. But none of his men were conversationalists. Sure, he could spill his heart to a silent type like Curio, and nothing would be repeated by him. But the blank face that received his words and the awkward silence that followed wasn't worth it. He wished for a confident. Someone who'd listen. Someone he would've allowed to stay while his tears rolled down his face thinking of the fool's song.  
He spent the afternoon in reclusion as well, pretending to work but actually trying to write his own sonnet that either came off dry and military, or too flourished at the wrong matters. He had a thousand adjectives to the moon but those for his lady all felt lacking in intensity. By the time he was told about the pirate arrested near the Wolf and Lamb, Orsino was too deep in his sorrow to care.  
"Let him sit in a cell, and wait until I see fit to question him." And sent them away after that.  
Lights were being lit when Curio told him a young gentleman had come looking for an audience with Orsino. He was surprised at the time. People would come much earlier if they desired a hearing. Before dismissing him, though, he wanted to know what his steward could tell him of the gentleman. To his amazement, Curio said: "The gentleman is probably newly arrived in the court, since no one has ever seen his likeness around. But he's attended by the countess's people, including one of her gentlewomen, who must be his sister, from the looks."  
Orsino smiled. "Was he sent by my lady?"  
"All he says is he must speak with your lordship. He hasn't mentioned the countess, but I'd say his companions betray his business," Curio calculated.  
Orsino wanted to believe Olivia had missed his messenger this month, and was sending her own. He couldn't really convince himself of that, though, the late hour told him it was no idle visit. Something was wanted of him, he was sure of that much. But the possibility Olivia was the one who had sent him wasn't ruled out yet, he had to see this young man. "I'll see him in the main hall." Curio bowed and left.  
Orsino couldn't believe his eyes. They went from the lady to the gentleman again and again, and the more he studied their similarities, more interested he became. He wondered if they knew the lovely sight they made together, and that's why the sister had come along: to sway him more easily to their cause. Well, he had to admit they had a pretty good chance.  
After the introductions and exchange of pleasantries, the young man told his business: "My noble lord, three months ago my dear sister and I were separated by a shipwreck that had us both believing the other dead. She was brought to this country by the good Sea captain who saved her, and found her a place in lady Olivia's service. I on the other hand, was saved by yet another seaman, who brought me back to life through his good care. And since I owe him my life, I refuse to believe any crime he is accused of." If Orsino took that pause to speak, he'd have nothing nice to say. He might've asked why he should care, except the young man was really lovely, so he just kept looking at him in what he hoped was an expression of interest (but maybe it was just leering). Sebastian went on: "His name is Antonio, and I hear your men have accused him of piracy, and imprisoned him. I ask your lordship that he is released."  
Orsino wanted to laugh. He knew young men hated to be laughed at, and resisted it. The request was just too absurd. "I won't do that, sir. This Antonio you speak of is a most notorious pirate, I have nothing but good reasons to hang him. I'm sorry you have wasted your time. Not only today, but all the time you spent in the company of a common thief like him."  
"I must insist, my lord," Sebastian pressed with saddened eyes. He held his sister's hand with his left one, and exchanged a pained look with her. "Antonio may be just a prisoner to you, but he's my savior, and for that reason I beg you, there must be an agreement we can come to that allows Antonio his freedom."  
Orsino decided to have some fun by bullying the young man with the question: "Would you trade places with him? Would you become my willing prisoner if I let that criminal walk free?"  
Sebastian looked troubled. He let go of Viola's hand and announced: "I will, my lord," placing both his hands before him, as if waiting for the shackles.  
Orsino actually laughed this time, though not nearly as hard as he wanted to, and waved his hand dismissively. It was very entertaining to watch the boy's discomfort. He avoided the sister's eyes as much as he could in his study of the pair. There was something dangerous about her gaze, something that was sure to make him say yes to her brother's absurd request.  
The sight of the twins, however, was something he wanted to keep for as long as possible. Even if he wouldn't do the boy's will, he didn't need to give his final decision yet. Specially when Sebastian was convinced he could win Orsino over with his talk.  
"You will dine with me," he decided, aware it was an unusual offer but he planned on going even further if his impression on the boy proved right. Both twins looked confusedly at one another but there was no way but accepting, even more so if they expected to do politics with him. "Have two more places added to my table," he ordered the closest assistant. "My young friends will sit with me."  
Sebastian sat to his right, and would've had his sister next to him but Orsino noticed that in the way they wouldn't let go of one another, and directed Viola to the seat on his left before her brother could lead her to the chair by his side. He could tell the twins were having a conversation through their eyes. There were probably subtleties Orsino was unable to catch in this interaction but he saw they were nervous, and mistrustful. It was time he won them over.  
First with his promise he had the best cook in the land, and the pair would marvel at the flavors. He ordered a special vintage and had the siblings taste the wine and speak their mind about it. He could see both were very careful in their sips. He saw a surprised expression on the sister's face, she nodded discreetly in approval, as if it was just her and the wine, and took another sip. Orsino smiled to himself, both pleased and charmed by her reaction. The brother acted similarly but didn't look as sure about the vintage.  
"What do you think?" he elicited Sebastian to speak. "It's… very fine indeed," the young man conceded. "I think it's the finest I've had in a very long time. A bit too heady for me but excellent," he praised, setting the cup down, both paying his compliment and explaining why he wouldn't drink accordingly in the same sentence.   
Orsino turned left and spoke directly to the sister: "What about you, lady Viola? Do you like the vintage?" Her blush was set even before he finished the first question, and it was a beautiful one. Their eyes met for a short moment, and Orsino was surprised at how difficult it was to break away from her gaze.  
"It's an exquisite bouquet. It tastes of Illyria in the best possible way," she praised. "I fear it's too strong, though, as my brother says. A full cup of it may drown me," she added politely.  
Orsino smiled gently but the truth was that the young woman did touch him by saying his wine represented his country well. It would have been a commonplace answer coming from an ambassador but from this pretty, young thing, from whom he expected nothing but beauty, the words felt sincere, and he apreciated them.  
Viola turned her gaze back to her brother, and Orsino knew he'd been staring for too long. He told Sebastian of the hunt he'd been to the past week, explaining that was the meat they would be served was the game he and his men had brought home. He then asked about Sebastian's experiences with hunting. The young gentleman shared a few details of his preferred games and traps. Orsino only paid superficial attention to his words. Mostly he watched Sebastian's pink, full lips moving, and thought of touching them. He would still eye the sister every now and then, but she was too dedicated to her brother to look any other way when he spoke.  
When Sebastian didn't know what else to say, the Duke smiled and nodded, turning to his twin: "And how has Illyria treated you, these past few months, lady Viola?" Her name was a delight to his mouth.  
Her eyes told him she was afraid of him. Those were the most innocent eyes he'd ever seen, wide and sparkly. He'd die happily looking at those magical gems. There was something maddening about the complete defenselessness of her expression when Viola, after some stuttering revealed: "I'm in love with this country's many beauties," she blushed even more, and failed at her attempt to look away. Orsino could swear she was adding him to her list of Illyrian things she was in love with. But she had other exemples in mind: "I particularly love the songs my lady's fool sings. Have you ever heard Feste the fool sing, my lord?" Viola was smiling by the end of her question, still looking deliciously receptive.  
"I actually heard him sing this very morning. Isn't it funny?" He directed a fond smile to Viola but the memory of his pain towards the song annoyed him. Of course his young guests knew nothing about it but still, his reaction had been a display of weakness he'd failed to conceal, and that it had happened was enough to embarrass him.  
The lady agreed it was a funny coincidence, and went on to talk about her favorite songs but now Orsino was worried about something else: was he blushing? He thought so. At the memory, of course. Was he blushing while looking at this fresh bud of flower? Was it not supposed to be the other way around? He should probably turn back to Sebastian. But it was impossible: she was going on and on about what could only be her favorite subject, because she was growing more lovely by the second, with a sincere smile that reached her eyes, and entranced the Duke. He was very sure in his realization: he wanted to kiss her. It was simpler to turn to the brother, and he was coming around to that when she described one of her favorite songs as capable of giving, in her words, "a very echo to the seat where Love is throned." He was too amazed to ignore it. "That's masterful phrasing," he complimented. "Who said that?"  
"I did," she said. And now he knew what her eyes looked like when confused.  
"My lord," Sebastian began, giving Orsino reason to break his gaze from Viola, "I'm most grateful for your generous hospitality, and wouldn't like to seem otherwise, still I must insist on the true reason for my presence before you." Orsino nodded in understanding, mostly thinking Sebastian’s confident speech sounded somewhat arrogant when put together with his boyish face. He started wondering if he would be able to tell the difference between the brother and the sister were they dressed the same. He also pitied the boy a little, since he had no intention of letting his pirate friend walk out freely, and every intention of prolonging his interaction with the twins as much as possible.  
"Right now I have all to lose and nothing to gain in letting that pirate go," Orsino declared plainly, watching with interest as Sebastian frowned to his answer.  
"Surely there's a bounty on him. I would pay for his freedom, of course," the boy insisted.  
"Not for crimes like his," Orsino lied. The pirate was in bad luck. Someone less lovely with gold enough would've gotten Antonio out of Illyria. As it was, the pirate was his only leverage with the charming pair.  
"Is that the way in Illyria?" Sebastian was doubtful but had no knowledge of the law.  
"My young friend, have you ever considered that maybe saving you was that man's sole good action?" Orsino began a new approach.  
"Even if it were so, his action shouldn't go without recompense," Sebastian argued.  
Orsino had expected something like that from the boy. "Your loyalty is admirable. I hate to see it devoted to a criminal. You're obviously a good man, and don't belong with pirates. Their company will eventually corrupt you, you know it's true. As grateful as you are, you obviously see you're not the same as them, don't you?"  
The boy looked confused. Good. Sebastian started over: "My lord, I must free Antonio, I owe him too much. My life. Tell me your price."  
Orsino wished he could set the price at a night with the twins. How he wished! Instead, he settled for the next best thing: "I sense a great promise in you, and I should regret much if that promise shows itself on my enemies side. Since you offered to exchange places with him, do. I'll agree to let him go if he leaves immediately, of course, and if you agree to stay at my service." The boy was surprised, and didn't answer immediately. "We'll continue this talk in the morning." As the twins exchanged another meaningful look he insisted: "Obviously you're not leaving at this hour of the night. I would feel horrible if I let you go in the dark. I wouldn't allow a guest under my protection to suffer that."  
It bothered him that the lovely pair didn't understand what else his protection meant, because they looked anxious, and if his eyes betrayed his thoughts, he knew what they were so worried about. He would dream of it, for sure. For the rest of his life, probably. And he wouldn't say no if offered, whatever the price. But not against their will. And hospitality was the least important of his reasons, it was all about his fantasy: that they would willingly pleasure him (and one another) while looking in his eyes, smiling, or maybe begging for him to be inside either one. Nothing he could get forcefully. But they didn't know that, and trust had to be built at its own pace.  
He bade them good night, and left to his own quarters as well. He didn't remember there was any other use for his mind than thinking of the twins. They were given separate rooms but Orsino hoped they slept in the same bed.  
Sleep was probably a lost battle, he never felt so alive. But was there a better place to dream of the twins than his bed? It could be a stage for artful love if they came to him. An art so complete in itself that required no audience.  
In the morning he found himself vainly studying his own figure in the mirror. Were his looks attractive to his young guests? Should he try a different color? A beautiful jewel? Should he be thinking of gifts for his lovely twins? Should he be counting them as his so confidently? Probably. What better deal could Sebastian come up with? Unless it was the offer he knew they wouldn't make. He knew the boy wanted his friend's freedom, and in his foolish youth would have even given his life in exchange. And Orsino didn't ask that much. He didn't even ask that the boy loved him back, but he wanted the chance to win his heart. As for the sister, oh, dear Heaven, he was almost afraid of looking in her eyes again. Except he couldn’t wait to do that.  
When they met again, now in daylight, it was almost painful to realize they were even more beautiful than he remembered. His confidence wavered. Why would either of those heavenly creatures love him? But then again, if a pirate like Antonio deserved Sebastian's love, how hard should it be for him given time?  
"Have you considered my offer?" he asked the boy as they broke fast together.  
"I have, my lord," he announced gravely. "And?" Orsino prompted. "There's little I wouldn't do for Antonio, and I understand there's much honor in serving your lordship. So I will see Antonio off, and call you master from then on."  
Orsino smiled satisfiedly. Once more Sebastian's confidence sounded a little like arrogance, and it was just as fun thinking of stripping that away from him along with the rest. Now he turned to Viola but she wouldn't meet his gaze. Her eyes were anxiously focused on Sebastian, as if fearing for him. He hated that Viola thought any harm would come to her brother under his protection. But a quest for love always requires proving one's intentions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it cringy? Annoying? Maybe delusional?   
> Next chapter: Antonio leaves, Sebastian and Olivia meet again, and he becomes friends with Orsino


	6. All his in dedication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A farewell. A surprise. A pain that becomes a pleasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A joke stolen from Hamlet that I refuse to edit out despite the obvious flaws made its way into the text. No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter, but Shakespeare is being held captive under gunpoint and denied every human right until this madness is over or something like that. Nothing that follows was aproved by him.

Sebastian didn't want to let go of Antonio. He knew it was their final embrace, and it broke his heart to say goodbye. That was the agreement, though. Antonio's freedom depended on his departure on the first ship off Illyria. Antonio had apologized over and over for getting Sebastian into all that, and he only felt more guilty, knowing Antonio would have never been arrested in the first place if it hadn't been for him.  
He probably wouldn't see his friend again. This would be the only chance he'd have to show gratitude, although Sebastian would have done much more in time given the opportunity. But now they were forced to part ways.  
Viola had been by his side all the time. Now she took his hand, and he was reminded of his good fortune. People didn't come back from the dead, yet his sister had been returned to him. He should be on his knees, thanking the heavens, yet Antonio took a part of his heart with him, and that pain marred everything else.  
Sebastian was allowed to accompany Viola back to Olivia's. The lady embraced his sister like she was a long lost part of herself, and Sebastian could only watch and envy their luck. He sat comfortably on one of the couches, while Viola and her lady shared the other one. His sister finally lost that troubled look, which had been on her face since last night.  
"What happened to you two?" Olivia looked at Sebastian as much as his sister while asking.  
He let Viola do the talking for now. It wasn't anything he wanted to think about. Only fear could come from dwelling too long on that thought. "I don't trust Orsino," he added to the end of Viola's tale.  
"He's always been an honorable man," Olivia offered. "Of course you have no reason to trust your friend's enemy but I believe Orsino does see promise in you. I do."   
Sebastian was surprised by the lady's words. He looked at her more attentively, and found an unexpected tenderness in her eyes. He didn't understand it but it felt nice.  
They spent the afternoon in Olivia's sitting room, sipping tea, finding new positions to lounge on the couches. Sebastian had one all to himself but he doubted he felt better than his sister with Olivia's head on her lap, or the other way around, some time later.  
At some point Viola had to excuse herself for a minute, leaving him alone with Olivia. To his great surprise, she stood up, and came to his couch, sitting next to him. She had beautiful eyes, and there was something familiar about them, too, though he couldn't place it. "Shall I lie in your lap?" she asked much to Sebastian's confusion. Olivia herself seemed to notice her mistake. She blushed, and corrected: "I mean, my head upon your lap?"  
"Yes, my lady," was his answer but actually he was thinking Viola might not like that.  
When his sister came back she took in the scene, and laughed. Sebastian was relieved. She knelt before Olivia, and kissed her fully on the lips. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, even if one them was his sister. And it was by far the most exciting event ever to take place on his lap. Then it was over. Viola sat on her couch, and watched her brother and Olivia, who made a pretty picture according to her.  
Sebastian was to spend the night, and present to Orsino the next morning. He wanted to believe Olivia's words about the Duke but as he went to bed alone in one of Olivia's guest rooms, all he could think of was his mistrust of Orsino. The Duke had looked at him like Sebastian was prey, he remembered that as well as he remembered the looks he'd given Viola. How he hated him! Olivia had to be wrong. Where did Orsino hide his said honor when his eyes looked like that? There was only trouble in him, and by sunrise Sebastian would be by his gate.  
He was relieved when Viola came to his bed. It felt safer with his arm around her, and the back of her head against his chest. It felt like nothing had or would ever be changed.  
Deep sleep didn't come, though. He would come back to consciousness every so often, reminded of his fears. Most of the time he didn't bother opening his eyes, he'd simply listen to Viola's breath, and try to follow her rhythm. He was like that when the door was opened. Somehow he knew it was Olivia looking for his sister, and didn't think much of it.  
He heard Viola whisper "Sebastian's here," like she was making a point. "I won't mind," he mumbled, knowing Olivia wanted to sleep with Viola. They giggled.  
He thought he wouldn't mind but as soon as Viola was out of his hold, and the sound of their kissing reached his ears, Sebastian knew he'd been wrong. He opened his eyes, and was bewitched. Olivia’s nightgown was off, crumpled on the bed, and the women were exchanging kisses to the mouth and neck with so much passion Sebastian became invested in the image. It was impossible to stop watching, and they probably felt his stare, because the lady turned to him at some point, and said: "I thought you were asleep." Sebastian didn't know what to say. It took all his will power to look at her face, and nothing else, there wasn't any left to speak. And then Olivia kissed him like she kissed Viola.  
Sebastian had never felt such desire. He pulled Olivia against his body, and let his hands discover her shape. Viola still kissed her lady's shoulders and neck. They lay Olivia on her back, and joined in delighting her. Her voice in pleasure soon becoming the only sound he ever wanted to hear, and improve. He never wanted Olivia to let go of his tongue, and never wanted to feel anything other than her hair and skin against his fingers.  
When she let him go, however, Sebastian was surprised by the beauty before his eyes: her disheveled hair, her bright pink cheeks, the heaving of her chest. Olivia was an open flower, and Viola her hummingbird.  
Sebastian ached but didn't expect the command: "Take off your clothes." He stared confusedly at Olivia's longing eyes and wicked smile for longer than he meant. She laughed softly, and helped him out of his nightshirt. He wanted nothing better than to get on top of Olivia, and then inside her. But Olivia was faster.  
She pushed him to his back and got on top. Once again her mouth got hold of his tongue, and it was lovely but not nearly as much as what came after a chain of small kisses down his neck, chest, and belly. Her mouth was paradise. All along, Viola was stroking his hair distractedly.  
He got a little but not much sleep that night. Still he felt better than he could ever have expected to feel in the morning. The memory of the previous night helped him face the day's challenges.  
Orsino received him with a smile, saying he was glad to have him at his attendance, and proceeded to ask how he was, how Viola was, Olivia, too, and a lot more small talk Orsino made with just too much interest. Sebastian did his best to hide his fears and suspicions. He offered Orsino a polite smile, and short answers he tagged with questions meant to keep his new master talking about himself instead of interrogating the young man. So when answering about himself, it wasn't manners that made him ask how Orsino felt this morning. When answering about Viola, he quickly asked the Duke if he knew the songs her sister had told him about, prompting a nearly endless response. Sebastian was satisfied: Orsino appeared to be one of those people in love with their own voice, which would have been annoying in a real conversation but Sebastian wanted to keep whatever he could from that man.  
When the smaller topics of their conversation were through, Orsino announced they were going for a ride. "You haven't been here long, have you? It will be a pleasure to show you around. Have you seen any of it?" You have no idea, he thought of answering. "Very little, my lord," he said instead.  
Sebastian loved riding, and it was a beautiful day. He felt that as long as he was on his horse, he would be free. It was a beautiful land, too, he had no problem admitting as much to Orsino when asked. "Of course it's beautiful," the Duke dismissed his praise. "But do you like it?" he insisted, as if Sebastian's opinion were of great consequence. "I do," he said in all honesty but not sure how much the man really cared.  
He spent the rest of the day in the Duke's company. They ate together, and once more he had some of the wine Orsino had served him and Viola when they first met.  
"Now that you've seen some of this land, do you agree with your sister?" the Duke asked. "Does my wine taste of Illyria?"  
"I think it does," Sebastian nodded. "It tastes like something done with care. Where is this vineyard?" he added, unsure it was enough to divert Orsino's thoughts from Viola. But he started answering his question and the subject of his sister didn't come up again.  
At night he wondered how Viola and Olivia were doing. He wished they would show up in his bed again, and the delights of the previous night filled his mind, keeping any other thought at bay.  
On the following day, Orsino took him to work on their fencing. Sebastian was glad for the exercise, and against his will found himself happy. He still didn't think of Orsino as his friend but maybe he didn't have to be afraid of him, either. Sebastian was never completely at ease, however. He would frequently find Orsino's eyes studying him, like there was something about him that made the duke curious. It was never as intense as that first time, in Viola's presence, yet, Sebastian gathered, if he managed to look more composed now, why shouldn't Orsino?  
He felt more anxious at night, when all others were dismissed, and the man kept him in his company with talks of past hunts, battles, and conquests, or invitations to play card games or chess. Sebastian feared that Orsino might show his true colors once they were alone but no matter how worried he felt, the nights in his company never turned into anything else.  
After a week he was allowed to take a day off to see Viola. She clung to him like she had just found out he wasn't dead. It was nice to be held, of course, but he would never know if Olivia planned on kissing him like the last time if Viola didn't let go. He actually only got a kiss from Olivia much later that night, in her bed, where she loved him with the same enthusiasm Viola dedicated her.  
"Have you been to Orsino's bed?" Olivia asked as she straddled his waist, and leaned in for a kiss. "No!" he told her, offended. She just laughed and pulled his tongue into her mouth.  
Viola kept stroking his hair like last time, she kissed his cheek, while Sebastian laid back, in complete deliverance to Olivia. They slept in each other's arms comfortably. When Sebastian got up before sunrise, and ready to go back to Orsino's, they held and kissed him like he was off to war. Being loved was a blessing.  
Orsino was another who received him back as if Sebastian had been gone for months. He gave his shoulder a friendly slap and made a speech about how good it was to have him back (a short one, considering Orsino's ability to ramble on and on about whatever). But he was caught off guard when the Duke observed: "You look happy." "Do I?" Sebastian stalled, all he could think of was you'd be happy, too. "And you look proud," Orsino added. "Proud?" he echoed like a simpleton, not enjoying the feeling of the Duke's scrutiny. "I'll be sworn you were with a woman," he insisted, studying Sebastian's face, which he felt burn. Orsino laughed. "And your poor sister will be blaming me for your absence, no doubt," he went on, with a teasing smile and a gleam in his eyes.  
Sebastian was mortified. He could tell polite lies but if Orsino started questioning him about it, he wouldn't know what to say. He was no Antonio to come up with a complete and detailed lie on a spot. Antonio would have made up funny twists to story, maybe one of those twists would even divert attention from the main subject, it depended on the listener.  
"So I guess it went well," Orsino insisted. "No, not exactly," Sebastian lied, thinking of something Antonio did when he lied. "Why not?" Orsino raised his eyebrows in expectation. "Well, how can I say that," something Antonio always said before a fanciful lie. "You see, I was the first to arrive, but I was far from the only one to be invited." Orsino laughed. "I hope you'll spare me from going into details, my lord."  
"Fine, I'll spare you for now," the Duke waved his hand, obviously thinking himself generous, and dropped the matter.  
The Duke still invited Sebastian to have his meals with him, play games, and talk. Most of all, the young man enjoyed fencing with Orsino, who was a skilled swordsman, giving him reason to improve. And with admiring him came the need to be worthy of his admiration as well. It started with giving his all when training but it turned into a desire to show off whenever possible.  
He would work on his fencing in his spare time just so he could surprise the Duke. He would count cards and predict moves, tell stories, jokes, and ask a lot of questions about whatever Orsino showed interest in. Mainly he listened, and the duke was glad for it.  
Sebastian didn't think one night, when they were alone, his master would turn to him and say: "I have the feeling I don't know nearly enough about you, Sebastian. What's the thing you want most? What do you dream of?"  
The young man had a fit of nervous laughter, and the closest he could come of telling the truth was: "My dreams don't make a polite subject, master," he smiled, feeling his face burn with guilt. He wasn't alone in his laughter this time.  
"At least tell me who you dream of," the duke insisted. "I dream of more than one person," which was as close as Sebastian planned on telling Orsino he dreamed of Olivia, and sometimes Antonio. "In love with love, are you?" "I don't know, am I?" Sebastian wasn't sure.  
But their talk didn't go any further. Orsino smiled into the young man's eyes, and didn't look away. Sebastian felt vulnerable but didn't break eye contact. He was confused when the smile became a frown. What was troubling Orsino?  
"Good night, boy," he said without any warning. "Good night?" he felt like a parrot repeating what he'd just heard but he had no idea what else he could say to this sudden dismissal. "Yes, you can go," Orsino said in haste, not meeting his eyes.  
"Is anything wrong?" Sebastian asked instead. "Leave!" the duke commanded, his voice allowing no room for discussion.  
The young man obeyed this time. He didn't understand what had just happened, and tried to remember which of his words or actions had offended the duke. He had trouble falling asleep, and when he finally did, Orsino was there, in his dream.   
In daylight it was easy to say he didn't want his dreams to come true. He had no desire of being dominated, no matter how intoxicated he felt by the dream's memory. And it was difficult to put those thoughts aside when it was time to be around Orsino. He would blush, stutter, forget what he was going to say, and the duke smiled like he knew what he was thinking.  
He didn't want to think about his master, he didn't want to steal long looks at his hands and lips, he didn't want to wonder about the duke's chest, arms, and legs as he inevitably did now when fencing. All those things were happening beyond any of his control. Sebastian could only embrace the lingering shame and arousal. The worst was eye-contact.  
It was like he knew what the young man was picturing in his mind, because he smiled boyishly and narrowed his eyes like people who share secrets do. Did they, though? Sebastian wasn't sure. So he looked in Orsino's eyes some more and blushed remembering not only his dream but all he would actually allow in waking life. In response, the duke's cheeks would get higher, narrowing his eyes even more, pushed up by a smile with closed lips.  
Those moments both dragged, and made time fly. It would feel like an eternity when he was trapped in the other man's eyes, but then he would find out an whole hour had gone by in his company, and he didn't understand where time had gone. It happened a lot at night, when everyone else was gone, and they were playing chess. Maybe that was the reason they had been playing more often: cards invited more people to join them, and they'd have to repeat "another?" too frequently. With chess, matches dragged into the small hours of the night and no one thought anything of it.  
It was the third chess night in a row, and Sebastian wasn't sure he wanted to win: if Orsino didn't feel accomplished in his playing, he was bound to find some new distraction, and Sebastian couldn't guarantee he would be the best partner for Orsino's new leisure. The match had just begun, and he didn't want to look in Orsino's eyes so soon, they made him too stupid to plan moves, and losing at chess didn't come to him without some effort. So he was concentrating, and limiting his longing looks to the duke's hands. He imagined those hands in his hair, the back of his neck, inside his pants, his thumb running up his cheek…  
"Do you still resent me?" Orsino asked, dragging the young man out of his reverie. "My lord?" Sebastian didn't know what he meant. "Do you still resent me for your friend Antonio?"  
It wasn't a surprising question because it came from Orsino, it was surprising because Sebastian realized how little he still thought of the man who'd saved him from drowning. He was embarrassed by it in a very different way from the shame his thoughts about Orsino brought on. He was just another of those fickle men sung about: one foot in sea, and one on shore.  
"No, sir, I don't resent you. I think I wanted to blame you at first, that Antonio and I couldn't be together. But I not only have no complaints about my life in your service, I think I agree with every word you said the night we met: Antonio's world was too different from mine, I didn't fit with his people."  
Orsino nodded. "I'm glad you don't resent me. But do you miss him much?" "I used to miss him a lot more," Sebastian confessed trying to avoid the duke's eyes, focusing on his lips instead. "I suppose the good company helps," he smiled sheepishly.  
Orsino cleared his throat before asking: "How close were you?" The young man didn't know how to answer that question. He was quite sure his master wanted to know about intimacy, and his displays of love for Antonio had never gone that far. But there had been a lot of closeness. "We were always together, day and night," he admitted. "We swore love and loyalty many times over. But I have a feeling I have nothing to say about what my lord wants to know."  
Orsino's closed lips pulled up on their corners even more. He made a clumsy move that put Sebastian three moves away from getting Orsino's king in check but he didn't want to win. What was a believable bad move?  
"Do you think you would have loved him any differently if you had stayed together?" the duke insisted.  
Sebastian knew he was blushing. He felt his heart in his throat, and breaths came in and out with a burning sensation. Orsino's question might be gently phrased but there was no mistaking what he meant. Maybe he could be bold in his answer as well. "The realm of things that might have been don't belong to us," he started humbly. Then he took a deep breath, shut his eyes forcefully, and added: "What do you want to know, master, that you'd ask that?"  
Orsino blushed, though not as brightly. He cleared his throat, and looked about to answer when he decided to clear it once more. Sebastian had a feeling he'd asked an important question.  
"What I meant was… do you know any man's love?" The knowing smile came back to his lips.  
Sebastian was caught in his eyes, as usual. "Carnal love?" He didn't know why he was feigning such innocence but it came naturally to him. The duke nodded with an encouraging expression to his face. "I don't. I didn't even use to think about it before… you know," he himself didn't know when it had started but the answer seemed appropriate.  
"Before Antonio?" he insisted.  
"Well, yes. But not immediately. Antonio crept slowly into my heart. We were strangers and he treated me like a friend. I came to think of him as friend and he was already acting like a brother." Orsino listened attentive and expectantly. He went on: "I confess I was beginning to think of different shows of love when I decided to leave Antonio. And when I found he'd come after, I was sure that was the time. But I wasn't fast enough, and he was arrested that same day."  
Some silence followed. Orsino moved his eyes to the board, and looked deep in thought. "Whose turn is it?" He didn't look up.  
"I think yours, master," but it wasn't.  
Orsino prevented the impending check, simply said: "Your turn," still not lifting his eyes from the board. Sebastian made a masterful bad move that opened his defenses in a way that looked like greedy distraction. Orsino took advantage.  
The young man felt victorious in his defeat, after all his master smiled with pleasure assessing his cornering of Sebastian's king. It was late. The moonlight came through the window, and the first cock crow had been heard a while ago. The duke let out a satisfied sigh, and decided it was time they went to sleep. He gave the young man leave to go, and Sebastian was by the door, wishing his final goodnight, when Orsino said: "I'm glad to know you don't look down on men's love." And now he tossed in his bed, imagining what crossed his master's mind when he said "men's love". He had some very good ideas but he couldn't help but think Orsino had experience, and therefore even better ideas.  
The next day he was given leave to visit Viola, and as he promised to be back in the morning, Orsino approached. Sebastian froze. He had hopes about Orsino's very intentional steps towards him but didn't dare to act on it. The older man grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled him close, and held his face in place to his lips with a conqueror's passion.  
"Think about me," the duke said as he let go.  
Sebastian wanted to throw himself in Orsino's arms and kiss back, but the duke was motioning that he should go, and anyway he couldn't wait to be with Olivia.   
He didn't know how to tell his sister and her lady about his newly found feelings for Orsino, but he knew he had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Viola being Viola by not being Viola


	7. Disguise I see thou art a wickedness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viola wants to try life as Sebastian, and a few other things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shakespeare was horrified when I read him this chapter. He bit down on my smartphone and everyone's worse for it.

When Olivia kissed Sebastian in that way he so loved, neither had much consciousness of their whereabouts. Viola took advantage of that. She went to the guest room that her brother never slept in anymore, and to the hook where Sebastian's clothes had been hung, and put on every piece of garment with an inexplicable rush of excitement going through her. And though she was annoyed at the volume on her chest (which looked alien under the shirt), once the jacket was on, it wasn't noticeable, and that pleased her a lot. They fit a lot better than Olivia's brother's clothes, which were made for a taller, broad-shouldered man. It was so fun she just had to complete the look with Sebastian's boots, even though she would probably take them off as soon as they had seen her.  
Viola suspected she wasn't supposed to be aroused by her own figure in Sebastian's clothes, or the way they felt against her skin, but that was a reality. She'd once asked Olivia, putting her brother's clothes on didn't do much for her, other than bringing back memories. So Viola didn't talk about it but still she felt incredibly giddy now.  
She went back to Olivia's bedroom. Sebastian and she were done, cuddling, and stroking each other's hair. "Who am I?" she asked Olivia.  
The lady let out a low laugh, and declared: "You look perfect!"  
"What are you doing?" her brother complained.   
"Having fun," she answered simply but in all honesty.  
"Two Sebastians? Most wonderful!" Olivia joked getting up from the bed and pulling Viola to a kiss. "I bet no one could tell the difference."  
The girl didn't know why she was so proud when Olivia said that but she was. At the same time, it reminded her of the flaw: "You can if I do this," and she took out the jacket. It was visible.   
Olivia nodded in understanding. "Maybe we could bind your chest tightly enough that it wouldn't show over the shirt," Olivia offered.  
Viola's heart was suddenly beating more strongly. She already loved Olivia but that level of support was unexpected. The girl had hoped for no more than laughs yet her lady seemed just as excited about the dress up. Sebastian on the other hand was still abed watching them in curiosity and confusion.  
The bindings were suffocating in a very different way than a corset, and Viola had a feeling she could get used to it just as much. When they were done, Olivia gave her a peck on the lips and commanded: "Do the walk." Viola obeyed with enthusiasm. "What do you think?" she asked Sebastian in a tone that made it seem just as important to her as it was to Viola.  
"I think it's disturbing," Sebastian reproved.   
Viola winced but Olivia didn't take it seriously. "Is it disturbing because you too are fooled?" she pressed.   
"I-- yes," he admitted unwillingly. Viola was secretly proud.   
"Do you think we can fool the household?" Olivia went on. The very idea of it excited the girl.   
"Possibly," Sebastian conceded. "I think they’d be all too afraid of making the same mistake Maria did."  
Viola knew that tone, Sebastian was just trying to please Olivia, he didn't really believe his words. And even though passing for her brother wasn't a skill the world required of her (much the contrary), she wanted to prove she could do it. The girl walked up to her brother with manly, decided, steps, and bowed like he would. "I'm Sebastian of Messaline," she announced in a husky voice.  
He laughed, to his sister's dismay, but also clapped his hands. "All right. All right. You're a man. But I'll be needing those clothes in the morning. Can you please take them off, and hang them neatly?"  
Viola agreed but she was not satisfied. Sebastian's agreeing was obviously just to placate her, he wasn't really convinced. "Would the duke be fooled by this trick?" she wondered.   
"If so, it wouldn't last long," Sebastian was sure.   
Viola didn't understand: "If I can fool him at first, why not for long?" Olivia listened interestedly.   
"What would you do when he invited you to help him work on his fencing?"  
"I'd help," she said earnest.   
Her brother laughed: "Helping with fencing means fencing. Can you even parry?" He knew she couldn't. His question was pure derision.  
"I can't," she admitted sullenly. "But I bet I could convince him of doing something else, and he wouldn't even notice."  
"You're not that manipulative," Sebastian doubted.   
"Do you want to bet?" she challenged. "No! No bets!" her brother was scared, he wouldn't call her bluff, he knew her well enough that he never dared her into anything, knowing she'd go through with whatever, no matter how stupid. But Olivia was a different matter. "Yes, let's bet! If Viola can go a whole week without being discovered, what will we give her?" she proposed.  
"You're not doing that!" Sebastian protested, and Viola was about to give up when Olivia laughed in reaction, exposing the ridicule in Sebastian's prohibition with only that sound. She was right, her brother didn't own her. He could say what he liked but going along was always her decision. Now she felt a wicked desire to trick him. "I won't do it, but if I did and won, you'd have to be me, and go for a walk in the city."  
Sebastian laughed. "Never!" he stated. And after a second of thought: "If you were me for a week, I'd have to be you win or lose."   
"But you wouldn't have to go outside," Olivia marked.   
"We're not doing it," Sebastian insisted as if he had the final word on the matter.  
She woke up an hour before her brother's usual time and asked for Olivia's help. The lady was just as excited, and found it difficult to keep her hands off Viola once she was ready. They kissed for good luck, and said goodbye. She would be far away by the time Sebastian woke up.  
People greeted Sebastian, startling her, reminding her of her new identity. She greeted back, practicing her boyish voice. Every new person she spoke to was a challenge. She feared one of them would be able to tell by the first look, and avoided direct eye contact, afraid this would reveal too much. But people expected her brother, and weren't looking for signs of deception. They would call her Sebastian, and she went along with it.  
It kept her most disturbing thought away for a good while. But when she caught a glimpse of the duke, a step from entering the same hall where they first met, Viola froze. She feared Orsino would know immediately she wasn't Sebastian, considering her brother's descriptions of the man's persistent gaze. That fear however was no more than an excuse to ignore what really made her hesitate. The truth was she didn't really care about the bet. Sure, she wanted to walk around in her brother's clothes and experience his world, it was all true, just not the reason she was being Sebastian here, and not in the streets. And of course Orsino was the reason. But she didn't really understand why. Her usual responses to men were boredom, fear, and disgust. Not curiosity, that was new. Viola called back to her memories of the night she'd met Orsino. The way he'd looked at her was the same as those men who had frightened her in the past. And his stare while he'd insisted on making conversation with her should've gotten her disgust taking from experience. But it didn't, and strange as it felt, Viola was pretty sure it had everything to do with Orsino's looking at her brother the exact same way. If he liked Sebastian just as much as her, maybe his attraction was to the similarities rather than the differences, she hoped.  
Viola realized it wasn't the time to get lost in thought. She had to meet Orsino, and be Sebastian. It wasn't time to give into panic. It was time to stop thinking and let life happen. She took a moment to concentrate on her new breathing rhythm, and walked in the hall in her most fake determination.  
The duke opened a huge smile and came to her. "Good Sebastian!" He landed a hand on her shoulder friendly, and painfully too. "Are you happy or rested this morning?" His smile suggested an edge to his question that Viola could only pretend to know about.   
"Both, my lord."  
Orsino let out a small snort, and shook his head once. "And how is your sister?" Viola couldn't keep from smiling that he would ask about her but she had a part to play. "My dear twin was still asleep when I left," she informed. To her delight, Sebastian's master insisted: "But you did speak to her, right?" She nodded. "How was she then?"  
Viola let out a nervous laughter she couldn't contain, and said: "Viola's great. She loves it when I visit, my lord. And she thinks your lordship very generous for allowing me so." She considered that a flawless answer, and didn't understand why it had the duke looking at her with curious eyes, as if he saw something.   
"So she thinks of me?" Orsino insisted with a mischievous smile to his face. He looked like he knew something. Had he figured it out?   
Well, if he wasn't going to say anything, neither would she. "One can never be sure what goes on in other people's minds," the girl began playfully, "but I doubt Viola would have so many questions if she didn't think about you, master."  
Orsino kept staring but whatever he was looking for, it wasn't Viola. Or it was, and he planned on calling her bluff to the last consequences.  
"How would you like to have her over?" the duke offered.   
"Here?" Viola was stunned. "Why?" And she remembered herself. "I mean, on what occasion, my lord?" Once again Orsino let out a discreet snort. "No occasion. Just have her join us for dinner. Maybe we can get her lady's fool to sing for our amusement, too."  
"I'll tell her, I'm sure she will be delighted."  
"Wonderful. I'm sure delight will be the overall feeling." His arm went around Viola's shoulders, steering her away. "Now, how about some fencing?" It wasn't just an invitation, it was an announcement.  
Viola swore an internal oath. So soon? It was time to prove Sebastian wrong. "If that's what my master wishes," she answered. Orsino stopped short at his motions. A wave of his hand told the others to keep going. "You don't want to?" he sounded doubtful.   
"I want to do whatever you say, my lord. I apologize if I expressed myself poorly." She could only hope.  
"What do want to do?" Orsino inquired.   
"Whatever pleases you the most, my lord." Sebastian wouldn't have have done that, she knew it, so there was really no right way of emulating his ways in this.  
"Right now, I'd like nothing better than to know what you would do given the choice."  
"I'd go for a ride, my lord. In your company, of course."  
The duke thought it over like it was a serious matter. For a second she could see what he must've looked like as a child. "Where would you ride to?" She had no idea.   
"If I had your lordship with me, I'd rather follow than lead." She wondered if Sebastian was really a follower but considering she had just refused to do what the duke wanted, some subservience was in order.  
She was steered all the way to the to the stables and had no complaints about it. Orsino's excited grin was contagious, she realized. So was his anxiety in getting out of there.  
"Here's to recklessness," he muttered just before leaving the stables. Viola didn't know what that was about but there was no time to ask him. They were out of there.  
Her days of riding like a boy had ended when she was twelve. She never felt connected to any horse riding side saddle. It was an amazing surprise to find out she didn't have to think about it: her body had its own memory, and adapted to the horse more quickly than to anything else. Sure, the first trot was awkward, but once Clouded made a canter, Viola recognized the familiar rhythm. By the time they were galloping, Viola and Clouded had become one. She'd never felt as free.  
Orsino had to ride hard to gain the lead and Viola didn't mean to race him, she didn't even know where she was going. The sudden freedom had made her speed ahead, forgotten about the world. The sight of Orsino brought reality back. She followed him through a narrow path in the woods. The duke rode with confidence and speed, proving he knew where he was going. Viola, who'd always been a good follower was right behind him, feeling so many different sensations she had no room for thinking. The illusion of freedom made her giddy. The thrill of the ride was that fire in her belly, similar to the one Olivia never failed to kindle. The shady path was frightening but the confidence with which Orsino lead made her believe this fear was as safe as listening to a ghost story.  
When they left the woods and the sky was visible again, Viola noticed the sun and realized they had been riding for longer than she'd imagined. They reached a cliff and unmounted. She took in the view: the horizon was glorious, the fall, horrifying. Orsino's hand on her shoulder pulled her away from the edge but she mistook his touch for something else and stood frozen before him in defenseless expectation. The duke stared back just as vulnerably. Kiss me, Viola prayed silently. The man, however, smiled like they shared a secret, and winked. She was disappointed when he let go of her shoulder, and pointed to the view.  
"What do you think? Is it worth the ride?" His tone only a little too intense for a matter of opinion.   
But Viola didn't have to lie: "It's worthy of awe!" she corrected. "Beautiful and deadly. It's no wonder the ancient ones worshiped such things. If I didn't know better, I'd make them my gods, too." Orsino listened with an amused smile.  
"They had funny ways, those heathens." His smile became wanton. "Did you know they'd worship in the nude?"  
Viola's cheeks burned. A stream of embarrassed laughter escaped her. "In the woods and no clothes? That sounds uncomfortable," she managed to say between laughs. Orsino joined in.  
"I suppose we're too civilized to see the appeal," the duke concluded.   
"I guess we are," she agreed with a final laugh, looking away to avoid picturing it.  
Viola took a few idle steps, studying the landscape, opening her ears to the sounds of the woods and the wind. What she was most aware of, however, was Orsino's nearness. She was afraid of facing him again, knowing it was inescapable. When she did, his eyes were waiting.  
"It's quiet, isn't it?" the duke's smile said more than his words. The solitary place presented an opportunity.   
"It is, my lord," she tried to sound oblivious while her heart threatened to break through her chest.   
Orsino swiftly closed the final distance between them. "Do you like it?" Viola was sure he wasn't talking about the surroundings anymore.   
"I do, I do," she nodded excessively in expectation.  
The duke sighed in a mock of exasperation, and grabbed her whole jaw in his right hand, stopping her repetition. "If you'll excuse me," he said before covering her mouth in a devouring kiss.  
Viola had no idea a kiss could feel like that. It was rough, slightly painful where Orsino's fingers dug in her face, and for that same reason overpowering. So why she liked it that much? More than liked it. Her insides were melting.   
He pulled away and released Viola's face. "Have you been thinking about me?"   
"Of course," she said before realizing he meant Sebastian. But didn't her brother think about Orsino? It made no difference which one answered.  
"Good." His hand went to the back of her neck before he kissed her again.  
His hold wasn't so forceful this time but it didn't make her any less paralyzed. Her chest was too tight with her heart beating so violently, breathing was a struggle. The tug in her lower belly was agony. Viola panicked. It was too much. She tried stepping away, which only made Orsino grab the hair on the back of her head, a tug that was immediately responded by another, much lower in her body. A body that as usual betrayed her. The girl whimpered into his mouth. Orsino responded with a beastly sound that got the exact same reaction from Viola as the hair tugging. She couldn't stand it.  
It was a struggle to turn her face away, and that only brought the duke's kisses to her neck. "No!" the girl screamed, pushing him away with no result. "Stop it! Let go!"  
He did but he wasn't happy. "What?" His upwards hands as inquiring as his tone. Viola stepped away saying nothing. There were no words for this. "What?" he pressed.  
She didn't know what to say. Running away would be a fine option if she knew the way back. Her eyes filled with tears. Orsino's oath wasn't silent. The girl was surprised. "Let's go," he said, walking to his horse.  
Viola was angry at herself. She didn't understand why she had run. Hadn't she come after that very thrill? It was painfully confusing. As they rode back, all Viola could think of was that at least she hadn't lost the bet. Not that she cared about it but it was better than thinking about what had happened.  
It only got more uncomfortable once they were back. People announced the duke's return, and shot her angry looks, she had no idea why. And Orsino just unmounted, leaving his horse with her without actually looking her way while doing so. He went on about his business, followed around by many, while she was left behind to see the animals to their caretaker.  
She found the duke eventually, and stood by for the rest of the day. Orsino, however, didn't have anything to say. He didn't even look at her. It left her in anxious expectation of his attention. All the while her thoughts raced. Viola felt like she had to apologize for her refusal but, at the same time, the idea was absurd. More importantly, was she sorry? She was sorry he felt rejected but she didn't think she could've done anything differently. And there was something else: Orsino's kisses were meant for Sebastian. She thought it would make no difference but she wanted his kiss for herself. She wanted him to want Viola. It wasn't good enough to receive a love given to another.  
When Orsino invited her to play chess Viola was surprised. She had imagined the duke would prefer his continued silence to her company but she was wrong.  
Orsino's sitting room was the opposite of Olivia's. Every piece of furniture was taller than she'd have expected, the thick rug seemed to swallow her feet, and she could probably fit both herself and Sebastian at the same time on the chair. The hunting trophies on the walls made Viola feel observed. There was a boar head hanging on the wall behind the duke, and her eyes strayed to it more often than she wanted.  
Finally Orsino asked: "What are you looking at?" and turned around to see it. "Your trophy, my lord. It's huge!" The duke eyed her like she had said something stupid but Viola knew enough about her brother's own hunting trophies to be sure it was a huge head. "Why are you pretending you don't know Ferdinand?"  
Viola really tried to contain her laugh but it was stronger than she'd imagined. She laughed and coughed thinking how silly naming a trophy sounded coming from a grown man. Not that she hadn't named all of Sebastian's trophies, and father's too. But she had been little, and never allowed to name them after people. Which raised the question: "Did you name him after the prince of Milan?"  
"What? No!" Orsino sounded horrified at the idea. "Oh, that's why we weren't allowed to name ours after people," Viola thought aloud. The duke let out a confused, weak laugh. "What about Wilkinson Fetcher?" he questioned to her utter surprise.  
"When did I tell you about Wilkinson Fetcher?" she asked, meaning Sebastian when she said I. "The same time you asked about Ferdinand. How can you forget that?"  
A tug of fear struck her stomach. She took a labored breath, still getting used to breathing with the lower half of her chest. "I don't know how that escaped me. It's not like I talk about Fetcher often. I mean, it was a secret. We weren't allowed to name dogs after people either. It was just Fetcher for the others." Why was she babbling about that of all things? But Orsino smiled fondly, like that was something endearing. "We never actually knew anyone by the name Wilkinson, we just agreed he deserved a grand name."  
"You and Viola?"  
"My twin and I, yes," she bent the words so they were true. "We used to have all kinds of childish secrets."  
"Used to?" Orsino was intrigued. "I was under the impression you and your sister were confidents."  
Viola's brow furrowed to the comment. Why she had said used to? Was there anything she wasn't telling Sebastian? That he wasn't telling her? What to tell Orsino? "There are things brother and sister don't talk about, even twins."  
"Men's stories?" the duke prompted.  
"Or women's," she added trying to be her brother. "Would you care for listening to a woman talking about things that only matter to women?"   
"I don't think I would," he admitted letting out an uncomfortable chuckle. "So you see, my lord, we still confide important things to one another but, because there's much I feel isn't meant for my twin's ears, I believe I too am being shielded of certain subjects." Orsino nodded. Was he disappointed in the news? She decided to make him laugh: "You know some people think twins are magical, master? And not the ancient ones, no. I mean, when we were children the other boys and girls wanted to make sure we could feel each other's pain, and were very disappointed in the truth." She took a moment to how they'd hit both at the same time, and run away shouting it was true. She was proud to achieve her goal.  
"So you don't have any unusual connection? Pitty!" Orsino mocked a sigh. Viola merely shook her head, keeping her smile on. "You said you still share important things," the man began. Viola nodded. "Love is an important matter, don't you agree?"   
"I do, my lord," more repetitive nodding. She stopped herself remembering Orsino's hand around her jaw.   
"And do you talk about your loves to her?"  
Sebastian had cried as briefly as he'd managed on her shoulder and confessed he loved Antonio in no more details than a three word sentence whispered in haste, shame, and a hint of desperation. A few days ago he had confessed a growing attraction for his master. Sebastian did share his feelings. So she answered as Sebastian:  
"I tell her about the people who make me feel more strongly but I'm no poet, I can't spill my heart if I don't have words for all this…" this what? She didn't think she could finish the sentence for Sebastian. She couldn't even finish the sentence for herself. "Pain?" the duke offered as an end for her sentence.  
"Maybe, I'm not sure." It felt more like fear but she wouldn't shame her brother like that. Admitting fear wasn't manly. "Is it pain to you, my lord? Love, I mean," she wondered. After the words were out she regretted them. It was too impertinent of her to ask the duke about his loves. But for a moment she'd felt he was treating her as an equal. Maybe he was, Orsino didn't get offended at the question, he actually smiled kindly with his whole face. His eyes sparkled, fixed on the boy opposite from him.  
"How can I feel it differently?" Orsino's tone announced the beginning of a speech: "When was love kind to me? When is it ever returned? The pang of heart I have for the countess? Humiliatingly unrequited. And no matter how beautiful the scenery, you can only think of your pirate. How can love be anymore than pain to me? Tell me," he challenged her.  
Viola was blushing. Maybe she was too deep in the role of Sebastian that the accusation of love for another man embarrassed her. Or that he said Olivia still had a place in his heart, which shouldn't have surprised her considering the messengers he'd sent only to be ignored. But mostly it was the love he confessed for Sebastian. And right now she was Sebastian. She could collect that love in his name. As soon as she considered it, though, she knew it wasn't true. She wanted her own share of his love.  
"I was thinking of no one else, my lord!" She protested. Orsino arched his brows in disbelief. "I was…" should she say it? When she was supposed to be a man? "Afraid," she almost spit the word out. Viola had to take a calming breath. This too was bringing some fear back to her heart.  
"Afraid?" he echoed, sounding more confused than doubtful. "Why are you afraid of me? I thought we were past that." Sebastian probably was, Viola agreed in thought. Everything he had reported about the duke supported the assumption. "Well?" Orsino pressed.  
"I need to elaborate," she said annoyed by his rushing. Orsino chuckled. "It's not that I'm afraid of you, my lord. But you made me feel like I was going to die," she blurted the last sentence in complete mortification.  
To her profound dismay, the duke laughed hard. She didn't even notice the deadly look she gave him that brought another round of laughter. "You can't be serious," he accused crossing his arms in front of him. "Why not?" she was offended.   
"Are you really that inexperienced?"   
Viola didn't know what to say. Maybe she was. But was Sebastian? She didn't know if he had bedded Antonio or some nameless woman he didn't bother talking about. And anyway, Olivia counted as experience, right? But it was a different experience to Sebastian and herself. Orsino looked at her in persistence. Was it time to be daring? Well, she was already being Sebastian, why not a bold one?  
"I think I'd be braver if it were the other way around," she tried to explain.   
"A kiss is a mutual thing," he said expecting a better explanation.   
"But power isn't!" she argued a little more intensely than planned.  
The duke looked surprised, even a little worried. "What do you mean?" Was he offended?   
"I mean you're always my master. If you're in charge of both what I do and how I feel, what's left for me to take charge?" A devious smile took over the duke's lips and eyes. Viola knew it meant lust but wasn't sure what part of her complaints had triggered the reaction.  
"So you want to take charge?" Viola blushed. "I had no idea. I do enjoy playing games but the one you speak of doesn't come naturally to me."  
It's not that she expected the duke to confess he loved being overpowered but even if he had, she still wasn't whom he expected. And his statement sounded like a good excuse to weasel out of the topic. "So it's a stalemate?" she tried.  
The man's smile became even more wicked if that was possible. "Not yet," he disagreed. "I didn't say it's impossible. I said it doesn't come naturally. There's a great difference." Viola nodded. Being a woman didn't come naturally to her either, yet she did it every day (well, not today). "I'm willing to bet a few drinks, and some persistence on your part might convince me."  
Viola was sweating all over. So it depended on her? And when he said persistence did he mean strength? Considering how firmly the man had held her, and how violent Sebastian's games with his friends had always been, she began wondering if that was the way with men? She wasn't strong enough to overpower even her brother, Orsino was out of the question.  
She was so deep in thought, it was startling when the duke suggested maybe they didn't have to decide tonight. He bade her goodnight, and Viola took her leave. Her mind buzzed with ideas and images that hadn't been there before her conversation with Orsino.  
She spent every busy hour of the following day secretly thinking about the duke's words. Some drink and persistence wouldn't turn her into a man, even if the duke became more willing to let her have her way with him. It occurred to her that she could keep her clothes on, like she did with Olivia, if Sebastian's clothes were all it took to convince the world she wasn't a girl. The problem in that was Orsino himself: would he be as willing as Olivia to take pleasure on her terms? His touch felt rather too dominant for that.  
That night, he invited her for a game of chess but didn't even look at the board when they got to the room. Viola poured him wine, and when Orsino picked up his cup, he smiled with malice. "Drink first? I hope persistence comes later," he said, still smiling like he'd gotten away with some delicious wrongdoing.  
She blushed, and thought about his words some more. There was something she had been imagining. Something she wanted to try. But if she started it, maybe it would naturally lead to her being discovered. Would Orsino be satisfied by what she had in mind? It always seemed enough for Sebastian.  
Was she forward enough, though? She always had the feeling her shyness wasn't as real as her brother's, that it was more following his lead than sharing a feeling. Maybe Sebastian would never do what she was thinking of.  
"So," she began nervously before Orsino's expectant face, "if I meant to touch you right now, I'd have to get you drunk?"  
The long, moaning sigh he let out sent a shiver through Viola's body. Oh, dear! Would she lose control just by listening to him? "I don't consider a touch as giving up control," he informed softly while his gaze was more focused than ever. "Why don't you come to me, and try it?"  
Viola felt suddenly powerful. It was a great sensation she didn't get to experience very often. "I would," she teased. "But I know a trap when I see one."  
"What trap?" he laughed with fake innocence. She responded with a laugh of her own. "Fine," he admitted to her surprise. "No traps. But you're missing on a lot of fun," he added, eyes practically showing the pictures in his mind. Viola laughed in a way that was new to her.  
She stood up in sudden determination, and walked up to the man. He stared at her with huge, mistified eyes, his lips slightly open and inviting. He pushed himself and the chair back a little, making room for her. Viola meant to kneel, instead she sat on his lap, and sucked on his lower lip. In his hunger, Orsino attacked her lips and invaded her mouth with his tongue. The loss of control threatened Viola's new found empowerment. She slid from his lap to the floor, on her knees. "That's not what we agreed on," she teased.   
The duke laughed in amusement. He showed his open palms. "I won't do a thing," he promised chuckling soundlessly. "Let me help you," his hand went to his belt.   
"No," she warned sternly.   
"No?" he echoed, clearly having fun.   
"I do things," Viola informed. "You just worry about feeling them."   
Another chuckle. "I will," he promised lightly.  
Viola unbuckled the belt herself, anticipation bringing a tightening to her lower belly but one she could appreciate, and keep in check. She deliberately felt what was waiting beneath his clothes before working the first button. "You're such a tease!" the duke accused as she took her sweet time with the buttons.   
"If so, I can leave," she showed him some actual teasing.   
"That's just evil!" he accused lightly, but the way he studied her next move was too intense even for him.  
Viola laughed and exposed him. It was beautiful, or perhaps some other word, she didn't have time for that right now. She just did it. Like Olivia did to Sebastian. But she thought she would've done the same even if she'd never seen it. There was nothing else she desired as much right now.  
His pleasure was her doing, and that was the most exciting sensation in the world. Like making Olivia sing her pleasure but better, because the duke wasn't usually so defenseless, and at the moment he was so taken by her, Viola could've easily killed him if she liked.  
He'd swear between moans, and it was a welcome surprise to find those words so enticing. He secured her head in his hands near the end, imposing his own rhythm, swearing and moaning in abandon. The initial shock not nearly enough to spoil the fun. He was hers. And he tasted like freedom.  
She lay her head against his thigh, while he sat there so peacefully it was funny. His fingers were in her hair, caressing her head in a rough way that reminded her of her friend the sea captain, when he'd comforted her crying.   
"Get up from there," he complained more than ordered. When Viola did, he held her wrist, and pulled her to his lap. Her mouth still tasted of him when his tongue conquered it. He let go of her wrist and both his hands went for her belt. Viola escaped again, not to the floor this time. She stood a few steps away from him. "That's not what we agreed on," she repeated herself.  
Orsino's laugh was an exasperated one. "You can't be serious!"   
"Why not?" He ignored the question.   
"Let me say thanks," he offered with his hand out.   
"Let me say goodnight," she offered in exchange, with a nod for emphasis. The duke's smile faded. "Why-- Are you that afraid I'll turn you into a girl?"  
No one can turn me into a girl, the thought surprised her but didn't keep her from wishing she could answer the duke with a few words she never said aloud. "Goodnight, my lord," she said instead, bowing and turning back.  
"Sebastian!" he shouted but she was out.  
The name hit her like a slap in the face. She'd forgotten she was Sebastian. Which was very weird because she knew she was supposed to be a man, that part never left her mind. And more importantly, was Orsino's love all to Sebastian? What else could she have expected? She was pretending to be her brother, the duke didn't know to whom else he should give his love.  
The next morning, the ghost of smile touched Orsino's lips whenever their eyes met. Viola just looked away, in fear everyone else would notice it. She volunteered for anything that would get her away from him for a while, not that it did any good, she would always go back in haste, missing that desperate state he put her in.  
"Let's take a walk," he said in the afternoon.  
They made a leisurely pace through his gardens. The duke's people made an excellent job of not being seen, Viola almost believed it. She knew Orsino was used to ignoring them but that didn't mean he would do something like kissing Sebastian where they could be seen so easily. Well, he had his arm around her shoulders, that much was plain to see.  
"Have you been avoiding me?" he mocked an accusatory tone.   
"Oh, it's useless, master," she confessed. "I tried, though."  
"Why?" He sounded like it hurt him.   
"I was going mad there, I thought everyone knew."   
"Well, we know," he shrugged.  
"That's about enough people," she lied, knowing she would tell everything to Sebastian and Olivia. Orsino looked away and shook his head. "What is it, my lord?"  
"It doesn't matter," he laughed. "Maybe it does," she insisted.   
"When you said two is enough it just occurred to me that we could get a pretty girl to join us. It might help you relax a little," he teased. Viola's mind was still on the word girl.   
"What do you-- Oh!" Pictures formed in her mind, and it was probably pretty obvious, seeing that Orsino was laughing.   
"So you like the idea," he observed.  
"It's too soon," she said before he decided to do it immediately.   
"Too soon? When did you make those rules? That's not what we agreed on," he teased.   
"It's not a rule, it's a feeling," she defended herself.  
"Let's go with your feeling, then. If it's too soon for that, what it's time for?"  
"Here?" she was surprised.  
The duke took a quick look around, and said: "Not here. Do you want to go back inside?"  
"Can't we go for a ride again?" she suggested instead.   
"We could. But I really don't think they'll leave us alone. They get overprotective after losing sight of me, like they did in our last ride."  
"I see." Viola didn't realize until now their ride in the other morning had been anything out of the ordinary, come to think of it, though, the duke didn't do anything unattended.  
"Come," Orsino led the way back. "We'll find a way to amuse ourselves, I'm sure."  
They did. Though Viola still had a part to play, and for that reason couldn't allow Orsino the freedom he craved over her body (Sebastian's body). And it kept her in charge of her master's pleasure, which was perfect for her anyway.  
They were lying on the thick rug that covered the middle of the room, Viola rested her head on Orsino's waist, while he stroked her hair with one hand, and cradled his head with the other. "Come here," he called, stopping his caress to outstretch his arm as the place she should take. Viola crawled up to her place in his arm, and expectantly received Orsino's kiss. It was the most exhilarating sensation in the world. At the same time it also meant a loss of control that quickly scared her.  
She wasn't ready to let go of herself. Maybe she was more curious about it than the day before but it didn't mean she would give in. Not when she had to be Sebastian. So Viola stopped the kiss and rested her forehead on his shoulder. Orsino kissed the top of her head, and asked: "Still won't let me do the same for you?"  
"Why do you want to do that?"  
"I want to listen to your moans, feel you writhe against me, be the one who brings you from agony to ecstasy." Viola couldn't contain a whimper in response to his words, which made her wanton. "I would get you out of those clothes, lay my kisses on your naked skin, slowly, until you're begging for release," he ended taking her earlobe in his mouth, making Viola quiver.  
It was like the tug in her lower belly threatened to pull her insides out or maybe constric her breath if it got any stronger. Not knowing what to do of her tension, she laughed. Orsino threw her a questioning look. "You think it's funny? I doubt you'll be laughing once I start," he playfully threatened.  
Without waiting for any answer he kept trailing kisses down her neck. Until he found a sensitive spot that had Viola squirming. "Oh!" she interjected, surprised by the intensity of the sensation. Her reactions only made Orsino hold her tighter, and insist on the same spot over and over. She whimpered, feeling weaker and more breathless by the second. There was a rumbling coming from his throat, like he was a beast, and a hungry one for that matter.   
Viola didn't have the willpower to stop him, so it was both surprising and disappointing when the duke suddenly shot to his feet, cursing, and turning his back before fastening his belt. "Get up!" he commanded a second before a knock came to the door. It was amazing! How did he do that? She just stared at him in wonder. Orsino tried to smoothen her hair down with his hand once but gave up, telling people to enter instead.   
The attendants had come to light up the room. Maybe that was how he knew they were there before the knock, Viola gathered. She walked to the window in uncomfortable silence, knowing how suspicious it looked that whatever conversation the duke and she were supposed to be having didn't stand the presence of the servants.  
When they left, Orsino called her by Sebastian's name, and that was enough to put out the sparks that had survived the interruption. She didn't go back to his arms. Her brother's name in Orsino's lips was what it took to convince her she had to stop. The duke looked disappointed but he didn't refuse to give her leave to go. As she left, however, he instructed: "Do something about your hair."  
When Viola saw her reflection, she understood what he meant. She could practically hear her mother's and nurse's horror. When had she ever looked this disheveled? Not even waking up from her nights with Olivia. No wonder the duke had tried to rearrange it before letting his people in.  
A storm arrived in the middle of the night. Viola woke up to the lightnings. She went to the window, and saw the heavy rain splattering against the glass. Yesterday had been a beautiful day, she hadn't believed when the locals told her a storm was coming. A thunder shook her. She had always hated them for being too noisy and scary. Usually she had Sebastian to make her feel safer, or Olivia. Now she was alone, trying to convince herself it was safe, and she should sleep. She had nightmares about drowning and wrecked ships until morning.  
Finally she got up and went to the window to be greeted by a gray day. Viola put on her clothes, and tried to shake her sleep off. She left the room and met with some of Orsino's men. They talked about a tree by the gate taken down by the storm. "Anyone got hurt?" she inquired anxiously.  
"No," Curio shook his head. "But the boys are having a hard time getting rid of it right now."  
"They're out there in rain?" Viola worried.  
Curio and Valentine laughed, and clapped. There was some inside joke going on between them. Because they sang a chorus at the same time: "With hey-ho the wind and the rain."   
Viola was surprised. "I know that," she realized. "I heard Feste sing that song."   
"So sing with us," Valentine started, and Curio joined in. Viola didn't think twice before doing the same.  
They were laughing by the end of it. Both the song and the shared laughter made Viola feel close to them, like they were her friends even though they called her Sebastian. And then it came: "That's a nice singing voice you have there," Valentine observed. "Why don't you sing more often?"  
Viola cursed internally. Sebastian didn't sing. He'd always been too restless to follow the tunes, and since he was so good at everything military, he had been dismissed of singing lessons. And maybe there was a harmless lie she could base on some truth. "My voice breaks all the time now," she explained, making her voice as husky as Sebastian's when self-conscious. She knew the men's snickering now was about the unnatural tone of her voice but she couldn't make herself look as embarrassed as her brother would have been, the sense of pride in her acting was too great. But she tried to sound ashamed when she changed the subject. "Where's our master today?"  
"I'm sure the weather is keeping him abed," Curio offered, looking up as if it took some consideration to come to that conclusion. Valentine nodded in agreement.  
"Does the weather make him sick?" She wondered if he had some battle wound that hurt when it rained. War veterans would always tell her about it. The men however just shrugged. "I think it makes him lose track of time. It looks dark, so it must be early, you know?" Valentine was clearly making that up from the look on his face but Viola thought it wasn't a bad theory.  
"He was probably watching the storm," Curio looked like he was giving a lot of thought to the matter. "It wouldn't be the first time. A few months ago there was this awful tempest even though it wasn't the season. He stood outside, in the rain, and said it was a better spectacle than any play."  
"With hey-ho the wind and the rain," Valentine added clapping. "Oh, right, it slipped my mind," said Curio. "We have to sing the chorus whenever someone says that word," he explained. "What word?" Viola asked.  
"The one about water pouring down," Curio clarified.  
"You mean rain?"  
They laughed, clapped, and sang: "For the rain it raineth every day." Viola had to laugh. She also wondered if the tempest Orsino had watched a few months ago had been the same that threw the ship she had been on to the rocks. It made absolutely no difference but it was interesting to think about it. That he'd been excited about the storm which would bring her and later Sebastian to Illyria and subsequently to his court. A very mean, intrusive thought told her Sebastian would never dally with those meaningless events trying to convince himself there were Fates behind all this. It was a girly thing to be thinking, and she couldn't be a girl right now.  
The men were probably right when it came to their master. Orsino only showed up by the end of the morning. Viola and the men were so deep in their game by then they sang their chorus when he complained about the rain. They immediately regretted it but it was done. The duke was more surprised than offended, which was lucky for them.  
"Three merry men you be?" he joked. "I guess I could use the company of people in a better mood than mine. Why don't we play cards?"  
They did it for hours. Viola had always been faster than Sebastian at counting cards but had also learned very early that being too good in a game made people not want to play with her. So she didn't consider the excellent hand she was dealt as good luck exactly. She won the first two matches, and proceeded to lose deliberately so that no one could accuse her of ruining the game.  
After matches enough to make it boring, Orsino started saying some rhyming verses about storms that were like the love of a woman whose heart was just as unrelenting. Curio made his stone face again, Valentine shook his head and smiled like one does to the demands for attention of a small child. Viola liked the rhythm of the verses, but she doubted the author of the poem had ever been close to a woman. If so, certainly not the one he wrote about.  
When Orsino was done, she decided to comment only what she liked about it. It didn't feel completely right to omit an important part of her opinion but it was less disrespectful than to say he liked a silly poem when people who laughed at poetry were around.  
"I don't understand it but it sounds good," Curio confessed.   
"I think it's confusing on purpose," Valentine piped in. "To make us unsure whether it's really as silly as it sounds, or I'm the one who's too stupid to get it," Valentine gave his honest opinion, which by the way was the same for all poetry.  
Orsino laughed dismissively. "Well, Sebastian, it seems we're the only ones here with an interest in poetry. Care to join me for a reading?"  
"Sure, my lord," she couldn't even contain her smile. She was so pleased by the exclusive invitation she immediately forgot the slightly annoying pang in her core to be called Sebastian. A pain that only happened when it was Orsino who said it.  
She was pretty sure there would be no poetry once they were behind closed doors but to be completely honest she would have enjoyed that conversation too. Maybe afterwards, she supposed. That was in her head while they walked side by side. Well, actually Orsino's arm was around her back, his hand on her shoulder. "Why did you give the game away?" he asked, and it sounded like he really wanted to know the answer.  
Viola considered sustaining the lie that she didn't but it was just not that important. "I'd rather everyone has their fun than never being invited to play again," she explained.  
"That's not the way to go, boy. You must surround yourself of those who appreciate your talents, not those who resent them."  
"I think everyone liked it better this way."   
"Did you?" he questioned, obviously not buying it. "You had fun losing to less skilled people that you could've easily defeated?"  
"Well, my lord, I enjoy the prospect of being asked to play again, and if I had shown off, they surely never would."  
"If we ever play as partners, you're forbidden to let others win, you understand?" His tone was light but it was clearly an order.  
Suddenly it felt too irresistible not to say: "If Viola were a man, I'd suggest you play partners with her. She's faster counting cards. That's why I know nobody likes a show off." She was sure Sebastian would've said something of the sort, so it came as a surprise when Orsino observed: "You've been talking about your sister more often lately." Viola felt cold with apprehension. "I used to think you didn't want me thinking about her, you'd change the subject so quickly if talked about her." Viola didn't know that, she didn't know if she should love or laugh at her brother's overprotection. "Oh, you thought I never noticed," the duke teased. "I was just humoring you. Now, seriously," they entered the sitting room. "Can I understand from that you trust me?"  
"Of course I trust you, my lord," she said almost rudely so obvious the idea was to her. Then it dawned on her that as long as she was Sebastian there was no reason to be ashamed of telling him some of Viola's thoughts. "Viola's been asking a lot of questions about you, master. She says you made quite an impression on her when we met," she revealed.   
Orsino laughed, pleased. "What does she ask?" he encouraged.  
"Your habits, your likes. She wants to sing to you, my lord. She knows how much you love music, so does she." There was something else she wanted to say but even through Sebastian's mouth it was too sensitive. How would a brother phrase it? "I believe she fancies herself in love with you already."  
"Is Viola prone to fall in and out of love on a whim?" Oh, her name in his lips! So delicious!   
She missed a beat to her answer: "Very much so, my lord," she said being Sebastian, "that is, with things, mostly songs, sometimes a peculiar trinket, not men. She never told me she liked any man's attention, much the contrary. So I know she likes you, my lord," she confessed under the protection Sebastian's mask extended her.  
"Since you're not jealous of your sister anymore," his smile was impish, "aren't you the least worried I should respond to her attention?"  
Viola had to think about that. Did Sebastian plan on keeping Orsino to himself? It wasn't really his decision to make but he could think it nonetheless. She didn't want to believe that about him, however. After all, there was no jealousy in their sharing of Olivia's love. Why should Orsino be any different? "Well?" the duke pressed.  
She probably knew a brotherly answer to put in Sebastian's mouth. Except this was her best chance of getting Orsino’s love to Viola, and not just Sebastian. But she didn’t take the opportunity to do either. Instead, she let her most foolish side show: “I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.” The smile that went along those words made it clear there was more to it.  
“There really isn’t any reason you should worry but I think you mean something else when you say that,” Orsino raised a questioning eyebrow.   
Now foolishness flowed freely: “I’ve heard the poem. You like your women ethereal and cold. And mean too. You won’t find that.” The duke looked offended but she wasn’t finished. “I think you might be repelled by her ways.” Time to study his reaction.   
“You’re a brother, you’re biased,” Orsino tried to dismiss the comment. Except his forehead never relaxed. “What ways you think would repel me?” he inquired, as intense as ever.   
Viola only slightly regreted taking that path, but there was also a little amusement to be found in the busy expression which had taken over Orsino. He looked away, as if trying to recall something important, so no matter how uncomfortable she felt right now, there was a certain sense of accomplishment in saying the words that actually got him thinking.   
In answer to which of her ways might repel him, she said: “She would seem too willing compared to a storm.” The accompanying shrug was a lie, the subject mattered to Viola, a lot.   
Orsino’s face changed from worry to suspicion: “Are you making fun of me?”  
“Maybe a little,” Viola admitted, letting out a not so guilty chuckle.   
“I think you don’t want to admit you’re jealous,” he accused in visible relief to change the subject that got him thinking.  
“I can handle my own jealousy, but I don’t know what I would have to do if Viola gets her heart broken.”   
"So that's what you think about me?" Orsino was disappointed but Viola wasn't about to take anything back.   
"I think most highly of you, my good lord. But when it comes to love, well, it's unpredictable."  
"Not all things. I can guarantee you I wouldn't toy with her feelings. Nor would I take advantage of her naivete.” That was a vow. Orsino being intense on purpose was rather unsettling. Then his demeanor softened a little. "But it feels nice to be loved, don't you think?" Viola nodded unsure.  
"Isn't that leading her on? Keeping her around to feel loved but not loving her back?" she questioned, sounding very defeated because it was the only mood she was able to fake in order not to sound angry.   
"And who says I wouldn't return her love?"  
"I'm not saying you won't, my lord," Viola didn't know what exactly was so annoying about that topic but she was starting to get tired of it, yet she insisted on it. "But it's a possibility. You can't decide you'll love someone and fall in love with them just because of that."  
"Well, that's not what I mean," he argued with a suspicious calm to his voice. "I actually think she has all the qualities to inspire love."  
"And what are those qualities?" she questioned defiantly.  
"You probably don't realize how beautiful she is, do you?" was his first point, and though it sent a fluttering sensation to her stomach, it didn't reach her rational side. "And I have a feeling her mind is just as beautiful." This one was unexpected. "I never forgot what she said that night. The way she spoke about music," he smiled at the memory, "'a very echo to the seat where Love is throned'," he reminded her. "What's not to love?"   
"Maybe I should worry a little bit?" she jokingly conceded.  
Orsino smiled superiorly. "Did this conversation change your mind about having her over?"  
"Not at all, my lord. Now that you both fancy yourselves in love with the other, the only solution is that you see for yourselves."  
"What if we are right?"   
He's just teasing, she told herself. Don't get too excited. Viola didn't know what to say. What if he still liked her when she wasn't Sebastian? Then what? "There isn't much I can do about it if you like each other. It's all in your hands, my lord."  
Orsino's smile was warm and comforting this time. He took her (Sebastian's) hand in his, and looked very solemnly in her (brother's) eyes. "I'm sorry for upsetting you with this talk. I promise you I'd do the honorable thing in that case. Don't worry about it too much. Even if it's not meant to be, I'll always love anyone who's dear to you." Except Antonio, Viola added in thought, aware she'd gotten away with a lot already to go on being blunt.  
The unexpectedly sensitive conversation came to a close, which made both feel free to let show just how weary they felt. Also, neither one was really pleased by the apparently satisfying conclusion they had come to. She wanted to tell him the truth but it felt like the worst possible moment. She couldn't find other thoughts to hold on to. The result was silence. And an uncomfortable one, it proved.  
Orsino got up, and went to the window, his back turned. He didn't look at her when after a moment or two, he invited her to join him. He placed his arm around Viola, who rested her head on his shoulder. Watching the rain made for a more friendly kind of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why intoxicated writers aren't taken seriously, they end up writing stuff like this.  
> Next chapter: a few passionate encounters, and lots of jealousy


	8. Some obscure epistole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like they say in Dangerous Laisons: the veils a woman covers her words with when there's none left to cover herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of an excuse to use the title than a real chapter but it was all I managed, since sick people don't write sick fics (who would've guessed?)

My dearest Sebastian,  
Viola has been very ill these days. She never leaves the bedroom anymore. I keep her company, of course but I know it's you she longs to be with. I'm sure once you come to see her, she'll be her usual sweet, and cheerful self again. I miss that Viola terribly. The one I'm left with is acting very restless, which I find rather unsettling myself.  
I guarantee others worry about her strange reclusiveness. Maria was sent away by the shrill refusal of her help. One would think Viola hates her. I don't know what to do. I'm beside myself. Although I confess to have laughed when the fool asked in that way of his "Can lady Viola come out and play?" And that was obviously the only laugh I've had since you left, for I'd never find your twin's distresses a laughing matter.  
This is a serious problem: she refuses to put her clothes on, and reacts furiously to anyone else's presence other than mine. Today I convinced her to get dressed and come to the garden with me by promising you'll take her for a walk outside when you come. I told her it was good practice. Please don't make me a liar.  
I beg you, my dear, come see your sister as soon as possible. Viola will be a thousand times more lovely once you're here, not the sulking creature she has been lately. At first she would be a lovely person at night, as if the the troubles of the day had never happened. Now, however, she's up all night, keeping me from sleep, demanding more attention than usual, making unthinkable requests with outrageous entitlement. I love this one very dearly but I don't think I can stand the caged animal Viola has become for long. Please come.  
*  
A letter from Viola to Sebastian, the messenger had said. Actually, it was written by Olivia. She excused herself and went to her room to read it. She had been afraid of its content, and then she read it, and laughed so hard at the situations it described. She knew Olivia meant it when she asked her to come back as soon as possible, and pitied her for having to endure Sebastian at his worst. Viola hadn't considered that when trading places with her brother.  
She wasn't completely sure of the meaning of every twisted description but she understood enough to know Sebastian was going mad. They had to trade back.  
And there was her brother's coded message, which read: "This is outrageous. Sebastian hates you. Please. My clothes." How could she not laugh? He was going mad for sure. It was a weak code for him too, just the number of each word she was supposed to look for in Olivia's note. It was annoying having to count the words and form the sentences but the message was short, and allowed her to know directly from Sebastian.  
When she went back to the duke's company, he asked her if there was a problem. Viola sighed. She knew what she had to say but she didn't really want to. "Viola's sick, my lord," she lied so unwillingly she looked away.  
"You should go to her, then," Orsino decided. She wasn't surprised.  
Viola rode Clouded to Olivia's, appreciating her last moments of manhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Lots of jealous fits, courtly love, a midnight meeting, Olivia's feelings


	9. Between this lady and this lord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not a competition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you came this far, you know what's coming.

Viola went quickly upstairs to see her brother. Olivia flew to her arms and covered her in kisses. She didn't regret coming back now. "I missed you so much, my dear," she confessed, still holding on.  
When the embrace ended, Viola searched for her brother. He was sitting quietly by the table wearing a robe over his nightshirt. His eyes shot daggers at Viola. "Give me my clothes!" he demanded furiously, standing up.  
Viola was startled at first, and took a step back, surprised. His stare really agreed with the hatred stated in his part of the note. It wasn’t his usual anger, there was a coldness to his eyes she knew nothing about. It was disturbing to look at him and not be able to guess what went through his mind. She refused to look frightened, however, returning his stare with her own, which was obviously identical.   
"Fine, take them," she started undressing, and every piece of clothing she took off was greedily snatched by Sebastian. He offered her the robe he'd been wearing, and she took it. Her brother was so relieved to be in his clothes again, it was almost funny. "Happy now?" Viola missed his clothes already.   
He pointed to the scarf, which wasn't really part of the original outfit but something to hide the effects of Orsino's interest in “Sebastian's” neck. She had enjoyed studying the marks in private but the idea others might see them was disturbing. But maybe it would feel good to parade them around her brother, who was making her angry with his attitude. So she unwrapped the cloth and exposed her neck. Sebastian's eyes shot to it immediately, and he blushed but he averted his eyes and said nothing about it.   
"I'm going out," he announced in a desperate voice.  
Viola exchanged a look with Olivia, and they laughed. She would have been just as anxious to be outside if she had stayed in for so long.  
"He's been impossible these days!" Olivia complained fondly.  
"What did you mean when you wrote about his demands?" Viola was curious.  
"Oh!" Olivia blushed. "He has some strange ideas when he's bored. Some are good, though," she laughed.  
Well, that answered nothing, Viola thought. At least they'd been having fun. Olivia pulled her to a couch, and went back to kissing her. She caressed Viola's neck with her fingertips, and was her only acknowledgement to the marks. Wasting no time she straddled Viola's legs and held her face between her hands. On the receiving end of those attentions, Viola was surprised she had grown accustomed to Orsino's roughness. Olivia was smooth and gentle. She was scented like roses and almonds. Her kisses were passionate and matched Viola's so perfectly, she had no desire for anything else, only more.  
"Let's go to the bedroom," Olivia whispered, standing up, and taking her hand.  
There, Viola dedicated herself to the rediscovering of her lady's body. It felt like a lifetime since she last heard Olivia's encouragements, and they made exquisite music to her ears.  
When it was over, however, Viola still had that question she both wanted and feared to ask. She thought about it, instead of asking. It was a sensitive matter and she didn't know how to explain that to Olivia, but she could think of no one else in the world she would talk to about it.  
"Olivia," she started, getting up from the bed, and telling herself to go through with her question: "Do you think I look wrong?"  
"What? No!" She sat up. "Why would you say that? You are beautiful, my dear," she assured.  
"Wouldn't you prefer if I looked like Sebastian?" she insisted.  
"Would you?" Olivia returned the question.  
"I don't know. I think so." It wasn't something she felt comfortable admitting but she couldn't keep it in anymore. She had to at least talk about it. "Or maybe I just want to ride horses, listen to men's inappropriate talk, and walk the city the way Sebastian does. But isn't that the same?"  
"I'm not sure it's the same, but one thing I know for sure," Olivia promised, going to Viola and taking her in her arms, "I'll always think you're beautiful. It's you!"  
Viola hugged Olivia in relief and gratitude.   
"How did I live so long without you?" she sighed, her face buried between her lady's neck and shoulder.  
"It doesn't matter. We're together now, and I don't ever want to be apart," she declared vehemently. "You are my beloved. And why wouldn't you want everything your brother has? It's not fair, I know that".  
Viola stepped out of her embrace. There was still something she needed to ask. "Do you think my body is attractive?" she felt so vulnerable now she feared she'd start crying at any second. "Are you kidding?" Olivia laughed dismissively to Viola's dread. But then she added: "I'd kiss you all over if you let me."  
A sudden happiness, mixed with desire washed over Viola. She knew her own smile was probably too eager, but she didn't want to hide her desire anymore. Viola had never told Olivia not to touch her, like she had Orsino, but whenever their kissing and caressing became too strong, she'd take charge, and bring Olivia to oblivion. And she didn't like being naked even with her. So after a week or so together, Olivia had stopped trying to reciprocate Viola's attentions and just concentrated on receiving them.  
"Come here," Olivia undressed her beloved, and guided her back to bed. "Let me show you. Just… close your eyes, I guess."  
Viola lay back and Olivia crawled on top of her playfully, starting to kiss her, so intently Viola feared the fire in her belly might become real and burn her lover. No, she told herself, just give in, it's Olivia. She did. She clenched her fists on the bedsheets and allowed the sensations to swell at a disturbingly fast pace. Her lady kissed secret places rarely seen by anyone, even its owner, who didn't really look at her body very often from any angle. It was the same Viola did to her but it had Olivia's signature all over.  
She was past the point where it usually felt like she was going to die. The increasing tension was a frightening feeling but Viola went with it, knowing it was a sensation that preceded many great things: singing in public, riding Clouded, that seemingly endless fear a few months ago between telling Olivia she was attracted to her and being kissed. Only this was much stronger, completely overwhelming, and it was still building up.  
"Olivia!" she repeated in her blissful agony. And, oh, how she loved her! Sebastian might be her other half but Olivia was her equal. Even if they were so different at certain things, even though she was her senior and not only above her station but her mistress, despite all those things, Olivia was more of her equal than her brother could ever be. And she trusted her equal enough to let go of her doubts and allow herself into the unknown.  
Something happened. Control was lost. She moved without any premeditation, pushing herself against her lover and pulling Olivia to herself, only with a distant awareness that she shouldn't do it as hard as she was thinking. What followed was great and terrible. Probably what Orsino had meant by going from agony to ecstasy. She trapped Olivia between her legs, throbbing, pressing hard, greedy for whatever that was.  
Finally she had no energy to keep her legs from giving off. Her whole body was heavy and floppy with satisfaction. She couldn't move for a while in her haze but she also didn't want to. Olivia gave her a final kiss there, and it was a small flashback to the all-consuming pleasure she was recovering from. She kissed Viola all the way back to her mouth, going through her belly, navel, chest, and, oh, her neck. The shameful mark would never go away if people kept attacking it so deliciously. She tasted very nicely in Olivia's mouth.  
"You look so beautiful like this," her lady whispered, caressing Viola's ear with her nose.  
The younger one didn't know what to think of that. She wanted to be embarrassed but she was too satisfied right now. She thought she probably looked ridiculous wantonly rubbing herself against Olivia, so it was something of a relief to hear that, which made her embrace her lady and actually thank. "My pleasure," she laughed.  
"No, it's not," Viola disagreed in a light tone. "I know what your pleasure is," she kissed her, and got on top.  
Olivia, to her utter surprise, wrestled her for the top, and pinning the younger's shoulders to the mattress, explained: "My darling, strange love! Can't you ever relax? Can't you hold me, and tell me what it felt like?"  
She was as surprised by Olivia's words as by her move. Viola hadn't considered she was trying to avoid thinking about what had just happened. But now it was impossible to look at it any other way. She took some deep slow breaths in the attempt of calming down. Olivia laid down and rested her head on Viola's shoulder, placing a hand above her heart. Her left hand went to the lady's hair, the right one lay idly on Olivia's pulsing wrist.  
"Did you like it?" the older one asked in honest concern. "Did I do it right?" she added before Viola could think of an answer. Now she had to say something: Olivia needed reassurance. And if she had to be embarrassingly honest with anyone, Olivia was the best option.  
"Of course I did," she admitted, thinking it was obvious. "Didn't you see my shameful display?"  
"You call that shameful? I’ve never seen anything as beautiful," the lady protested. "You're very hard on yourself. And if you call the way I make you feel shameful, I'll think you won't like to do it again."  
"No, don't think that!" Viola assured both for Olivia's and her own sake. "It was the best feeling in the world," she guaranteed. "But it's also the most helpless I ever felt," she confessed trying not to mumble this truth that was hard to explain.  
"What's wrong with that?" Olivia encouraged the confession.  
"Nothing, I guess. But it always feels like I have so little say in my own life that I don't really want anyone to decide what I'll feel. Am I mad for feeling that?"  
"We don't decide how we feel. We never do. But I suppose I can understand not feeling in control the rest of the time. Most of my decisions aren't really what I want, only what I think it's best, or worse: what's expected. But that only makes these moments more precious to me. I didn't choose to love you, and I don't control the way you make me feel, but it's still my choice to love you, and give myself to you, and I'm never as honest."  
Viola was touched, and also amazed at Olivia's trust in her that she should open her heart so willingly. "I love you so much," the young one confessed, pained that the words seemed so weak in comparison to her feelings. "I love you too. More than life," Olivia vowed.  
*  
Sebastian was in a much better mood when he returned. He obviously didn't hate Viola anymore. He just smiled at her like she was a child he didn't have the heart to chastise. After dinner, back in Olivia's sitting room, he finally asked: "What happened while you were me?" Sebastian purposefully toyed with her much girlier scarf, and that brought a sudden blush to his sister.  
Viola told them everything, and they both listened, though neither seemed too happy about it. Sebastian did blurt out a "What it felt like?", during her telling, and it wasn't without embarrassment she confessed: "I don't know, like freedom," and looked away to hide how much she meant it.  
Her brother was obviously thinking about it. Olivia, however, was clearly displeased. "I hate this, and I hate him," she made it plain. "He'll steal you both from me."  
"He can't," Viola promised.  
"She's right," Sebastian agreed,"he can't tell us how to feel."  
"No, he can't tell you to. He'll just sway you to his side with his charms," she said in monotone, though her eyes looked furious.  
"That won't happen," Viola promised.  
"Wait," Sebastian went a different way about it, "you think he's charming?" He looked at her doubtfully.  
"What?" Olivia was so offended she stood up to stare at him. "You said he has charms," Sebastian insisted, looking immune to her attempt at intimidation. It was she who blushed bright red and had this horrified expression when she ran to the bedroom.  
"Why did you say that?" Viola accused.  
"I only repeated what she said," Sebastian defended himself very confidently. "If she thought I had misunderstood her words, she could've said so."  
Viola agreed with every word, and still felt bad for her. There were many things she feared someone told her as bluntly as her brother had done to Olivia. "You're not wrong," she shrugged, going to the bedroom.  
Her lady sat very still on the edge of the bed, staring at nothing. Viola sat down next to her, shoulders touching, and asked: "How are you feeling?"  
It took longer than a normal conversation for Olivia to answer: "Betrayed." It was a defeated sigh that broke Viola's heart. If it hadn't been for Sebastian's words, she would've started apologizing right now. Instead, she made it about Olivia: "Betrayed by whom?"  
She didn't expect her lady to wrap her arms around her desperately, hiding her face in her chest sobbing. Viola hated herself for telling the truth. She had actually thought Olivia would understand. After all, she did love each twin in her own way. It wasn't absurd to hope she would understand the coexistence of loves.  
When Olivia thought she was done crying, she muttered: "I hate him." All it took was the question "Why?" to bring her back to tears. "It's hopeless!" she cried, holding on to Viola. "What is?" she asked as calmly as she could manage, unsure about what Olivia needed from her right now.  
"I can't compete against him."  
"You don't have to," Viola promised.  
"Then I'll lose," she concluded bitterly.  
"That's not how it works." It was Sebastian who said it, to their surprise.  
"When did you you get here?" Olivia asked defensively.  
"Just now," he answered too fast, in Viola's experience but she wasn't about to point that out.  
He sat next to Olivia so that she was in the middle. "I didn't know my question would hurt you. I didn't mean to embarrass you," he apologized. "I don't think there's anything wrong if you like him," he went on.  
"It's not that simple," Olivia shook her head in disagreement. "He would marry me, I don't want to belong to anyone. I can't have him making decisions for me, and that's just what he would do."  
"You don't know that," Sebastian disagreed. "Maybe it was so when it was just the two of you. But things are not so simple, like you said. There's Viola and I now. Who knows what's gonna happen?"  
*  
Sebastian and Olivia each had their own reasons to dislike the idea of Viola visiting Orsino. She was very excited about it, however. This time when the duke spoke to her, he would know who he was talking to. She would sing to him, she would tell him her thoughts on anything he wanted to talk about, she would make him fall in love.  
She hadn't told her brother all of the conversation Orsino had had with "Sebastian" about Viola. He didn't need to know all that. And probably wouldn't care either, so she didn't bring it up.  
He did know however Orsino thought the pleasures of the past week had been with him, not his sister. And that knowledge had him anxious for his master's company. Viola wished the friendly smile the duke directed to Sebastian was extended to her, but she received a much more formal greeting, and a contained smile that betrayed none of the lust displayed so obviously towards her brother.  
He offered her his hand, at least, in an invitation to see his garden, which he announced to be the most beautiful space in his home, and that she had no opportunity to see upon her last visit. Viola spared a quick thought for his calling a visit the time he forced his hospitality on them. But mostly she concentrated on the fact that she was supposed to be seeing everything in the palace for the first time. There was room for yet another thought, which was how completely oblivious to her presence Sebastian had become.  
Her brother was usually very protective of her around men, and she had ever been grateful. Now he looked at Orsino with such devotion, she would think he couldn't see her from where he was standing by the duke's right.  
They talked about Viola's health, since she had been sick for all he knew. She had a hard time not laughing about it but at least she didn't go scarlet and mute like Sebastian.  
"I don't know what came down upon me, but I didn't feel like myself until I had my brother with me. I'm so thankful to my lord that you sent him to me. I was immediately better. One would think I'd been faking all along."  
"I doubt anyone would harbor ill thoughts about such a lovely lady," Orsino flattered, and no matter how silly Viola thought herself for feeling so, she couldn't be happier that he called her lovely. "And I blame myself for what happened," the duke went on. "So of course I'd take measures to correct it."  
"Why would you blame yourself, my lord?" Viola smiled to hide her desire of bursting into laughter and accusing him of thinking too highly of himself.  
"Everyone knows it's bad luck to separate twins," he answered jokingly. "And I was the one keeping Sebastian from you. No matter how much I'd rather keep him by my side, I believe your claim over him is more valid than mine."  
"I wouldn't dream of agreeing with that," Viola looked him in the eye. "It's true I've called him mine all my life but that requires very little from either of us. Whereas being your attendant is something that must be honored with devoted service. I was glad to have him back but I'm ashamed my weakness keeps him from his duties." It was very easy to talk about such weakness since it was all made up, and she would've talked about anything to keep Orsino looking at her.  
Sebastian kept quiet but he still felt like his part of the deal wasn't a bad one. His sister was so eager for Orsino's attention, he would've been jealous, except the duke would look at him every now and then and with such desire in his eyes, it made him ache. He knew this harmless, superficial conversation between the man and his sister couldn't last forever. It would be his turn then. He could pretend to give them space for now, while daydreaming about his desires in silence. Every time his master looked for his eyes again, it confirmed his expectations.  
Viola could have his courtly love, whatever she wanted it for. He'd have the man soon enough. What should he care for being compared to flowers and asked to sing? Of course Viola loved singing and apparently had praised herself to the duke using his name. It was no lie but it was funny. Hadn't Orsino thought it odd when "Sebastian" started babbling about "his sister"?  
The most surprising yet disturbing feeling came upon him when they were back indoors and Viola started singing to the tune made by the duke's musicians. Orsino's eyes and ears were all hers. At first he told himself to be patient but before the song was over he was worried that awed stare devoted to his sister would never again turn his way.  
He was the first to say his praises when the song was over, more out of relief than real appreciation but hopefully no one would notice the difference.  
"A lovely song, and a wonderful singer," Orsino said in his adoration.   
"I can't take all the credit, these gifted gentlemen did much more," she smiled at the musicians.  
They obviously responded with gentle compliments to her. The unexpected part was Orsino's interruption, requesting another song, sounding beyond annoyed, and shooting a dirty look at his men. Was he jealous of her already? Sebastian felt sick.  
When would Orsino look his way again? Did he even remember there was anyone else in there? Well, he noticed those in the way. So when she finished the second song he brought her a drink himself, and kissed her. "I envy your lovely voice," he confessed. "Forgive me that."  
"I envy everything else you have," she whispered. "Can you forgive that?"  
He didn't think he could right now but he had to work around that anyway.  
*  
Viola didn't understand why her brother was being so jealous of so little. So the man paid attention to her for the length of two songs. Was that anything that should make him feel less loved? But that conversation would have to wait. All talks were prompted by the host at the moment, and she was all too willing to talk about music, a subject she could go on about much better than her brother, by the way.  
"I sometimes think music is the food of love," he told her, in what Viola suspected was just an excuse to talk about love to her. She could hope, at least.  
Sebastian looked impressed by the statement, it obviously resonated with him. Viola however, who would dream of music she'd never heard, didn't think it was the same for her.  
"You can have too much food but I don't think I have ever had too much music," she explained. "I don't have the energy to sing for long, but if somehow the music never stopped, I'd listen to it even in sleep and wake up singing." Orsino paid close attention to her words, much to Viola's delight.  
"Music that never stops would become a curse very quickly," her brother smiled teasingly at her while saying that.  
"Like the touch of Midas," Orsino agreed.  
"The golden touch is not a very smart gift to ask for," Viola agreed with that part.  
"True, you could never touch a loved one again," Orsino considered it, and Viola didn't fail to notice his talk of love again.  
"That would be terrible," she nodded. "Not to mention paying everyone with endless gold would make it a lot less valuable."  
Sebastian laughed in spite of himself. They had had many idle conversations like that, applying real world logic to fantasy and mythology always made him laugh. "A steward could solve that problem," he offered without any edge to his words this time. "He would handle the coin so king Midas wouldn't have to."  
"I see you two have given this a lot of thought," the duke observed, without hiding his amusement.   
*  
Sebastian had expected anxiously for bedtime, when Viola and everyone else would leave him alone with his duke. Except now he realized it wasn't going to happen like that. Orsino stood up, wished them a good night and told him to see his sister to bed. He hoped a second command would follow, telling him to come back after that. But no. Apparently he was supposed to get Viola to her guest bedroom and just go to bed. He was all frustration as they got to the bedroom.  
"Are you going after him?" Viola asked as if she liked the idea.  
"He didn't tell me to. I don't think I should," he considered.  
"Stay here with me, then," she offered.  
It wasn't the invitation he wanted but probably the only one he was going to get tonight. So he told her he would be right back, and went to his bedroom to change into a nightshirt and a robe. He didn't linger on purpose, but he figured he must've taken longer than expected, because Viola was knocking on his door already.  
"Can't you wait?" he jokingly complained.  
"I don't think I can," said Orsino when the door was opened.  
The young man was too shocked to say anything. The duke placed a hand on the back of Sebastian's neck, pulling him to his kiss before even closing the door behind him. He pushed the boy to bed and confided: "There's one thing I need to do before I run mad."  
He proceeded to undress Sebastian, looking at him as if asking for permission, which he granted in silence. What the one thing Orsino needed was he didn't know but he would be willing to do anything with the duke, and let him do anything to him. So when Orsino's kisses went down his body, and he was pushed to his back, Sebastian relaxed, and let it happen.  
He hadn't imagined Orsino's passion to feel so overwhelming but the truth was that he didn't see, or think anything, as abandoned as he was to the ministrations of the duke's mouth. The world might as well not exist.  
Both of Orsino's hands were concentrated below his waist, so it was very disconcerting when a third hand ran its fingertips over his scalp. He jerked away startled, and the duke held him in place, not even lifting his head to see what was happening, certain Sebastian's gasp was one of pleasure, not caused by the shock of finding Viola had crept into the room, and upon his bed. He wanted to yell at her to leave but that would be sure to make Orsino stop what he was doing, and leave him without any conclusion to their interaction.  
He let that worry slip his mind, closing his eyes again. It wasn't the time for thinking about meanings to the love that touched his head and the one about his lower belly. It was time to forget himself to sensation. It was time to die, to feel alive, to swear his love, or more likely just swear.  
*  
Viola waited expectantly for the duke to raise his head and see her. When he did, he paralyzed mid-action, looking helpless, staring at her open-mouthed. "That was quite a sight," she told him, actually impressed, imagining what it would feel like to be in Sebastian's place. Orsino was still too shocked to say anything, so she just went on with her opinions: "You must really love my brother to treat him so well."  
"Were you here all along?" was the first question he managed to ask. Now he moved to sit next to Sebastian, who just watched in amusement.  
"I came looking for my brother," she explained, "but I couldn't look away when I saw you two. It's not something you see every day."  
"Aren't you disgusted?"  
"I'm curious," she corrected.  
"Curious?" he repeated in confusion.  
"About you," she clarified.  
The smile that came to his face probably meant he was recovered from the shock. "I could extend you the same treatment," he offered. "That should satisfy your curiosity."  
Sebastian lifted his head, as if suddenly interested in their conversation. The only answer Viola managed at first was a very nervous laughter. "What a generous offer!" she scoffed.  
"Is that a yes?" Orsino encircled her ankle with his hand as he asked that.  
"No!" she shouted, pulling away, as offended as excited by his advance.  
Sebastian suddenly sat up, putting himself between Viola and Orsino. "Hold on a second," he told the duke before turning to his sister: "You changed your mind?"  
"I only meant to watch," she explained.   
"What's fun about that?" Sebastian meant to ask whether her no really meant no but got sidetracked by her words.   
"It can be really inspiring," Viola shrugged.  
Her brother didn't look like he understood it, but Orsino agreed to a point: "Watching can be part of the fun, sometimes." The younger man looked even more surprised after that, so the duke came up with an example. "I myself would gladly watch you two kiss."  
Viola laughed at the suggestion, while Sebastian frowned, and explained: "We don't kiss. Unless you mean like this," he leaned towards his sister, and kissed her cheek. "Why don't you two kiss instead," he proposed. Viola nodded once, and he moved out of the way.  
The duke looked for something in her, perhaps a sign that she agreed to it. Viola came closer. Orsino lifted his hand to her face, caressing her cheek and running his thumb over her lower lip. She expected him to take his hand to the back of her neck, and pull her to his kiss, like when she was Sebastian.  
Instead, he leaned in and touched his lips to hers, as softly as if she might break. For some reason she felt that breaking was a possibility. His gentle handling made her feel frail. She could take no other touch than his soft, restrained treatment, else she might dissolve in his arms. And she had a feeling it wasn't the best idea to let him do what he wanted.  
Orsino planted kisses to her jaw, going all the way up to her ear, kissing it, caressing it with the tip of his nose, pulling her earlobe to his mouth with his tongue. Viola felt desperation growing within, wishing she would get away from him but not really. Her squirming had as much intention of escaping him as it used to have from Sebastian's childhood tickling. His forehead rested on her shoulder for a second, he was breathing loudly, which was arousing for reasons she couldn't explain. She did see her brother, however, lying on his right side, watching with a pleased smile. Their eyes met for long enough that he nodded but she didn't respond or keep his gaze for long. She pressed her eyes closed as the duke roamed about her neck. Her fingers entangled with his hair, not to guide him but to express passion. Orsino went back to her mouth, and landed a hand on her waist. Her surprise and excitement broke her breath, while her tongue found itself inside the man's mouth.  
She told herself not to fear the weakness that overcame her, but to embrace it, in hope of stronger sensations.  
The hand on her waist started its way down her thigh, so she entangled her fingers with his rather than stopping everything to say no. The hand on the small of her back did the opposite way, securing itself on the back of her neck, keeping her in a kiss she never planned to escape from anyway. He pushed himself a little closer, Viola showed no resistance, adapting to his hard muscles as instantly as they were pressed against her. His lips left hers in favor of an ear lobe, and obviously they went down her neck next, which had been spotless for only two days, and would probably bear some new mark in the morning.  
He guided her fingers to his mouth, and sucked each one of them, in a way that made her tingle. The hand that used to hold that once more roamed down her leg, not stopping at the thigh, but actually going for the hem of her nightgown. "May I?" he whispered, while his nose tickled her ear. "Too soon," she sighed, meaning she would attack him herself if he just teased her a little longer. Instead, his warm palm went up her belly and chest, and despite the barrier of her nightgown, found her most responsive spots to linger on. There was a very crude command she wanted to give him, the two words repeating in her mind. It scared her at first. The thought tightened her insides even more, she couldn't find her determination, though. Take off your clothes, Viola told herself but never went through with it. She tried to undress the duke, instead, and he allowed it, breaking away from her just long enough to pull the shirt over his head. Her palms felt their way around his chest and arms. She didn't know if she should touch any lower, even though she had when she was her brother. She merely followed his lead, which didn't prompt her to touch him as much as to give in to the touching he did. There was no objection to his roaming hands working over the thin nightgown fabric, only compliance.  
Viola held fistfuls of his hair all the while but didn't think it could be responsible for his groan. She opened her eyes to see Sebastian taking him in his mouth with the same desperation she had felt when she played her brother.   
His tongue claimed her whole mouth with intensified passion and Viola came undone in his hands, melting in his arms, and there was no fighting it. The more he touched her, the less Viola there was: only a wanton creature that was more desire than conscience. Orsino came in Sebastian's mouth, clutching himself to Viola like she was the one keeping him alive. Then he started to let go more and more, until he fell heavily against the mattress. Viola caressed his hair.  
"You look very beautiful like this," she whispered, touching her lips to his ear.  
"So do you," Sebastian said to her surprise.  
She looked at him in confusion, trying to understand what made her brother say that, but his sleepy eyes told her nothing else. Instead, she aligned her body to his as usual. Orsino pushed himself closer to her, placing his arm along Sebastian's, both encircling her.  
She was halfway asleep when she heard Orsino's question whispered in her ear: "Were you here dressed as your brother?"  
She laughed in guilt. "Yes?" she tried, unsure how he would take it but too happy to expect a bad reaction   
"Oh," was all he said, giving into sleep.  
*  
"Stay here," he asked in the morning. "With me, with Sebastian. Please, stay," he kissed her in the attempt to persuade her. "Let's never leave this bed."  
Viola laughed at him, wishing it could be done. "I have a duty to my lady," she informed him, trying to remind herself of that. "Would you have a duty to me?" he whispered, still kissing her into persuasion.  
"I must go," she decided, slipping away from him and getting up.  
Sebastian pulled Orsino to his arms, demanding his full attention. Viola picked her robe from the floor, donned it, and before leaving, took a last admiring glance at the men, entangled in a passion that resembled fury.  
*  
"You're not in love with him, are you?" Olivia inquired, aware she was incapable of hiding her jealousy.  
"Do you think I would love you any less because of him?" Viola began. "Do you love me any less because of Sebastian?" She didn't mean it as an accusation, rather an example. Olivia however frowned, and studied her face for a moment in a very doubtful manner.  
"Is that what you think?" she asked defensively.  
"No," Viola disagreed with ease, "much the contrary. Doesn't love multiply?"  
"I wouldn't know," Olivia mumbled, more to herself than to her beloved.   
"What's that?"  
"I know you mean it but I don't feel your love when you're away with him. I'm not as free in my heart as you are."  
"You haven't even given it a chance," Viola smiled and shook her head, dismissing her own words, coming to a conclusion she couldn't talk Olivia into feeling better about their arrangement. "How can I prove my love to you?"  
*  
The note she got from Sebastian two days later was hardly from him at all though written by his hand. Its only point was Orsino missed her, and would like to see her on any occasion. There was really no more to the note, though it was framed with the expected salutations, best wishes, and goodbyes most brotherly notes should contain.  
She went from giddy to guilty in a second, since it hadn't occurred to her to read the note without Olivia. Now she covered her own mouth and looked down. Viola didn't know what to say. "What do you think about this?" she tried, although she already knew Olivia hated it.  
The lady, however, straightened her posture, took a deep breath, and looked ready to slay a dragon when she announced: "I refuse to surrender. If I must fight him, I will."  
"Why do you have to fight him?" Viola tried to dissuade her.  
"He thinks he's so clever writing to you through Sebastian," Olivia disdained. "I'll do one better."  
"What are you doing?" Viola was suddenly worried she meant murder. There was a very intense look to her lady right now.  
"I'll invite him over before he can steal you from me again," she shrugged like it was the most obvious reasoning in the world.  
"Are you serious?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Toby being everyone's drunk uncle during dinner, and hopefully the conclusion to this madness.


	10. Too late to go to bed

Viola and Sebastian soon discovered they lacked whatever skill could make a dinner with Orsino and Olivia run smoothly. Both hostess and guest acted very politely to each other but there was no true to that. As a result the four of them were uncomfortable. But they weren't the only ones there, and some could appreciate better what was happening. Feste smiled with his eyes in such obvious amusement Viola wanted to tell him to stop, except he never said anything, he just sang and stood aside. Sir Toby didn't have the same cares.  
"It took long enough for my niece to accept your courtship," he teased the duke, after arriving late and already drunk.  
"This is not what tonight is about," Orsino corrected him with a tight smile to his lips.  
"That's right, cousin. This reunion is a celebration of our mutual friends."  
Toby belched. "If you say so," he mumbled before downing his cup and immediately rising it to be refilled. And back to Orsino: "Don't you worry about the boy?"  
"I beg your pardon?" This time Orsino had no idea what the knight was talking about.  
"Oh, you know, I've seen this one back and forth in this house more times than I can count. Don't you think a pretty boy like that might grow on her affection?"  
"That's enough, cousin!" Olivia ordered in a commanding tone that made everyone suddenly silent. Except for Toby himself. "You see? I hit a sore spot," he told the duke, acting as though they were best friends.  
"I agree that Sebastian is rather charming," Orsino kept the tight smile on his lips. "What might come of that is unsure." And to Olivia: "I believe your fool sings a beautiful song about that, doesn't he?"   
She took the cue: "Fool, sing us the song the duke spoke of."  
That was the moment Olivia chose to find out if she was anything like her kinsman. She drank as fast as she could stand, ignoring Viola's questioning eyes. Orsino, however, responded by raising his cup in a silent toast, and drinking in the same fashion. They were silent when the song came to its end. "That's one of my favorite songs," Viola tried to make conversation.   
"It's truly beautiful," Sebastian continued quickly, not allowing for more of that uncomfortable silence. "The fool sings masterly."  
"He does," Olivia agreed, "but Viola also does rather well in this one."  
"You're too kind, my lady," she smiled.   
"She's right," Sebastian told his sister.   
"I hope I have the chance to hear it for myself," Orsino joined in. "What I have heard assures me it will be lovely."  
"Why, I wish I were as pretty, then people would praise my singing even if never sang a word," Feste joked.  
"Has it been so long that you forgot about singing with me?" Viola protested merrily.  
"I have absolutely no recollection of that," the fool lied shamelessly. "Why don't you refresh my memories, good lady, by joining me in singing?"   
The others encouraged her to do it. So when Feste started playing, and singing, she sang along. By the time the song was over, Viola could see some real enthusiasm to Olivia's smile, which made her proud, until she noticed it was the drinking. Orsino too was more relaxed, even his tight smile had been replaced by a real one.  
"You're gonna have to do better than that if you mean to catch up with me," Toby challenged the duke, making a show of emptying yet another cup.  
Orsino didn't mean to go as far as to catch up with Toby in his drinks but he had to maintain that agreeable buzz, and so he followed the knight's example. Olivia was another who kept drinking, though she didn't become loud and obnoxious because of it like her cousin. Her only signs of drinking were her suddenly excellent disposition, bright pink cheeks, and the sweat beads forming along her hair line.  
Viola shared a relieved look with her brother. She had imagined the whole night would go as awkwardly as its beginning. Now she was amazed at the friendliness with which Olivia made inconsequential conversation with her guest. They talked wine vintages, upcoming festivities, and past ones as well, at least those remarkable events forever engraved in their memories. They asked Feste to retell the battle of wits he'd won against six other fools in a Twelfth Night about three years ago.  
"That's nothing," Toby waved his hand, spilling wine. "Oh, that's not where drink goes," he lamented seeing the waste. "But like I said, there was never a greater celebration than this one's birth," he pointed to his niece.   
"My birth? I don't know that story," Olivia leaned slightly towards the table, in hope the tale would get to her sooner.  
"Yours, my lady niece. Had I known how well in your favor you would keep me, I would never have laughed at my brother the way I did."  
"Laugh at my father?" She encouraged, not surprised at all though she'd never seen anyone laugh at him.  
"I did," he owned up to it almost with pride. "Mind you, I wasn't the only one. But it was a laugh of surprise and-- what's it called? Endearment! Yes, that's the sentiment."  
"But what's the story?" the countess insisted.  
"The thing is no one thought my brother would give a second thought to a daughter. Instead he was a thousand times happier than when his male firstborn came to this world. Go figure. So, yes, we all laughed at that. And he started celebrating immediately, with my help of course. I've been drinking to your health ever since, my dear."  
"That's a very long time to be drunk," Olivia observed but with no judgement for once.  
"That's a nice story, too," Orsino added. "Always good to be reminded our dearly departed loved us more than we remember."  
"What's that?" Toby shouted, making it clear he had no more patience for tenderness. He grabbed Orsino's cup, and made an imperious gesture towards the help. "Why the duke's cup is empty, you dimwit?" And back to his new best friend: "You must keep up, my good duke. You see her right there?" He gestured towards his niece. "She's of my blood. She'll out drink you if you let her, and be a lady still."  
Olivia wasn't even offended. She laughed heartily, and told her guest not to pay attention to Toby. "It's not a competition," she added to her kinsman.  
"Well, there's no competition for me," he agreed that much. "But you, young people, can count on me to be the judge. And my niece is two cups ahead of you, my lord."  
"Toby!" Olivia wanted to reprimand him but all she managed was laughing even more. "Stop counting my cups."  
"But I'm so proud of you, girl!" He raised his cup as if toasting.  
Everyone joined in laughter after that. Olivia assured her guest he shouldn't let Toby pressure him into drinking. Neither should he feel coy about it if the idea so pleased him. But, no, she wouldn't enter a drinking competition with him, or anyone for that matter.  
"Wine does go best by a table of friends," Orsino agreed. "But to each their own pace, and I plan on keeping mine."  
"That's too reasonable for a drunk man," Toby protested so vehemently it was like he was saving Orsino from the biggest mistake in his life. "Now you can blame the drink, man, you can stop making those smart decisions. Don't you know my niece loves that fool of hers, show her just how foolish you can be. Tomorrow excuses."  
Orsino chuckled in dismissal. "That's not why I'm here tonight, sir Toby." He shot a quick glance to the hostess, and back to the knight: "Your niece has made clear on more than one occasion we're not for each other. But we can bond over our mutual friends here," he pointed to the twins.  
"I swear to God," Toby began without even noticing the winces at his profanity,"you put this boy in a dress, a fellow would never know what he was taking home until it was too late."  
"Toby!" Olivia shouted, trying to contain her laughter because Sebastian was already embarrassed enough but knowing that he had already fooled the whole household made it just the more funny.  
"The resemblance is astounding," Orsino nodded looking from one to the other with a smile that was a little too fond for the others. "But you can't get Sebastian to sing. And… how are you at fencing, Viola?"  
She wanted to holler in endless laughter, thinking about her time as Sebastian. Instead she just stared at him thinking about certain scenarios that left that impish gleam to her eyes. And he noticed it, because his own lips grew wider. Her answer was more for the sake of everyone else than the two of them. "I can't fight at all. But I like to think I'm excellent at avoiding fights."  
"She has a good stance, though," Sebastian added as curiosity. "Upon a first glance one would swear she knows what to do next."  
"A woman who can wield a sword!" Orsino sighed and looked amused. "Isn't the mere idea of it as frightening as enticing?"  
"Why should it frighten you? You're surrounded by swordsmen all the time, and they don't frighten you," it was a bit of an accusation but she didn't worry too much about it, the duke was too tipsy to be so easily offended.  
"I don't fight my own men," he began, and taking from his tone it was just the beginning. "But if did have some turncloak to fight, it would be a man, not a chance I'd stop fighting if they asked me to."  
Viola felt ashamed for him, and for herself, who was in love with that idiot. "Why would you not defend yourself against a female assassin? I don't think that would be a good moment for gentility."  
"I think I would be to confused," he admitted. "Plus, there's no such a thing as a swordswoman. If I should find myself before one, I'd quickly recognize her as Fury."  
Viola's laugh was pure derision. "You and your impossible women!" Right on cue Olivia joined her in amusement. "I myself prefer the flawed but real people I get to live with, rather than the perfect mythological ones I'll never meet." Olivia laughed even harder.  
"That's uncalled for, Viola," her brother said in monotone, which sometimes happened when his duties and his beliefs didn't walk together.  
"But I fear there's much true to it," Orsino defended, gracefully taking the criticism. "I don't think I can help it, though. I enjoy poetry, and what's every poet favorite subject?"  
"Women they don't know and about whom they imagine absurd things?" she offered in response. Olivia laughed and clapped her hands in delight. Orsino however looked surprised and slightly confused. "I thought you liked poetry," was his only comment.  
"I do. I love poetry. But it has its problems like everything else."  
"Of course," he nodded once, clearly not in agreement but not willing to start an argument over it. "What say you, Sebastian? Are you as critical of lyric poetry?"  
"Not at all," he granted, already laughing at himself. "I lack the heart for it. If one tells so and so is good, I'm inclined to believe but not agree. I don't understand what is good and what's bad, all I know is that some rhythms are soothing no matter what the words say."  
"You don't have to lie to be conciliatory, my boy!" Orsino laughed at his own teasing. No one else did.   
"I'm not lying, sir," he promised in more earnest than a drunk master really required. "You said the same as your sister that time," he accused, looking at the boy with loving eyes. "That it was like the poet had never been around a woman. Do you think I forgot it?"  
Viola laughed to herself, and winked at her brother. Orsino might not have forgotten about their conversation but the Sebastian he was talking to wasn't the same as the one who had discussed poetry with him, as well as advised on what to expect from Viola, who was only human, not at all like the sublime Ladies, Goddesses and Nymphs his beloved poets wrote about.  
Sebastian understood why he didn't know what the duke referred to, and went along with it rather than question. He searched for reassurance in his sister's eyes, and once finding them, turned back to Orsino. "I was repeating what Viola usually says so you wouldn't think I'm stupid. I had no idea I did it so convincingly."  
"I shared tutors with you, I know very well how convincing you are when you steal my ideas," she mocked an accusation to steer the topic to something safer.  
"It's not my fault they were too dense to pay attention to you," he crossed his arms sullenly and sat back.  
Viola snickered. She hadn't expected her brother would take it seriously. The discussion about their tutors had ended in the same conclusion, years ago. What he was so guilty about? Was he afraid the others would take her side. "Don't be like that, brother, I'm just teasing you. Please, don't take my words to heart," she addressed the rest of the table. "It's just bantering, as siblings do."  
"I remember that," Toby grumbled, sitting back but almost sliding to the floor. "I used to hate him for it. Now there's nothing I miss as much." And saying so downed another cup and set it on the table pointing at it, no longer in the mood to lift his hands. He proceeded to empty it again, no longer a part of the conversation.  
Orsino and Olivia were agreeing in their experience with siblings. His sister, like her brother were much too older to allow for a friendly relationship rather than a respectful, almost formal one. "Can you imagine it, Viola," Sebastian began in a tone she knew teasing was coming. "Would you obey me if I were your older brother?"  
"I always obey you," she argued slightly offended though she remembered forcing her brother to be her so she could have her adventure. Well, that was once. "And you are always going on about being older anyway." And to the table: "I was told I was so ladylike in my birth that I waited until the midwife had taken every measure with my brother. Only then I came into this world."  
They laughed lightly. Olivia, in excited intoxication, leaned over the table to get closer and comment: "Is this why you struggle with being ladylike? Have you used it all when you were born?"  
Viola laughed nervously. She found she did enjoy being described as unladylike when it wasn't a criticism, and it was the first time it happened to her. At the same time, the men might look down on her for that. Not her brother, but the men. Well, Toby was nodding off by now, so just Orsino really. He came to her rescue in the funniest way possible, though he had no idea.  
"Our dear Viola is feminine enough. Otherwise we wouldn't be so sure they didn't trade places to fool with us." Both twins and Olivia broke into laughter for too long not to confuse the duke. "Did you trade places?" he asked looking from one to the other. "No, you didn't," he decided.  
"We didn't," Viola admitted. "But how do you know?"  
"You two don't look guilty enough," he observed. "And I expect there would be some kind of overcompensation. You wouldn't want to sound shrill," he told Viola. "And you wouldn't want to look so confident," he told Sebastian, who reacted in confusion.   
"Women look confident too," he said, sparing the girls of telling him so.  
"It's not the same," the duke argued enjoying the talk in his drunk merriment. "You're defiant just sitting there. Now, look at our hostess and tell me if her own kind of confidence isn't much more serene and recollected." He didn't really look at Olivia while saying so, he merely pointed his chin her way for a second, keeping Sebastian's eyes in focus.  
"My lord is so charming in his compliments," she snickered.  
"It's no compliment, just the statement of a fact," he answered. The smile directed to her, however, that was charming!  
"Very charming indeed," Olivia insisted.   
"If only as charming as the ones surrounding me," he responded.  
Right on cue, Toby snored loudly, bringing laughter to anyone capable of appreciating the irony of his timing. "Get my cousin to bed" she ordered her servants. "Shall we retire to the sitting room?" she addressed Orsino mostly.  
"I'd hate to overstay my welcome," he declined politely, not really desirous of leaving.  
"Don't worry about it. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't mean it," she vowed.  
"Then, by all means, lead on." And saying so he stood up being followed by Sebastian. "Your hand, sir," she commanded. And no amount of drink would have numbed Orsino enough not to show surprise. He did comply immediately, no matter how unexpected the request, which was probably a good thing, since Olivia only now found out how unbalanced her drinking had made her.  
She tilted towards him deliberately but without much control, actually in need of the guiding hand he placed on her elbow.  
"Do you have any idea if this is good or bad?" Sebastian whispered, following, side by side with his sister.   
"I don't know," she admitted. "I guess we'll have to find out."  
Viola shared a couch with Olivia. Orsino looked around, considering a chair for himself but ultimately deciding to sit with Sebastian, though not touching him. The hostess was much less mindful. She placed an arm around Viola's shoulders and rested her head against the girl.  
"This night is turning out to be a lot better than I dared hope," Orsino confessed.  
"I wouldn't have it other way," Olivia declared. "Unless of course I could make it better. What would improve your visit that I may offer?"  
"Only the certainty that my presence isn't a burden," he smiled politely.  
"Then be at ease," she commanded.  
"You're too kind, my lady, and for that I thank you."  
Viola found it slightly amusing that they would go on with their formalities in slurred voices and droopy eyes, like that was the way it was always done. Of course she preferred that to the way the night had started so she didn't even consider commenting.  
But her restraint was worth nothing. She felt something change about Olivia. She couldn't put her finger on it but she did feel some unexplained change.  
"I don't know what convinced you to extend your hospitality to me but I'm ever thankful for it."  
"Can't you guess?" Olivia set him up. Both twins were immediately apprehensive. They knew that tone. Cruel words were sure to follow. Orsino however didn't realize what was about to happen. "I have been wondering," he began. "I know it's about our dear friends right here. The only conclusion I came to is that this is your way of saying I have your blessing to make my suit to Viola."  
Upon hearing her name, she shot him a look of surprise that was met with a confident smile and one firm nod.  
"You've always been one to jump to conclusions," the countess sneered, making the man's confidence waver instantly. "I was polite to you once and you decided it was love. Now I take you in my house and you think it's an invitation to steal away my dearest friend when you already keep Sebastian to yourself with no regard to whom else might need him."  
Orsino tried to smile. He tried to look away but he was back to staring at Olivia in shock in a second. He opened his mouth soundlessly before managing to say: "I'm sorry you feel that way, my lady. And I'm even more sorry I acted so foolishly towards you that I can't deny part of your accusations. Stealing your friends away however is the last thing in my mind. And where Sebastian is concerned, I didn't refrain from returning him when Viola needed, did I?"  
"Let's not fight, please," Sebastian asked sternly, though no one had raised their voices yet.  
"We can't make things clear without talking, can we?" Olivia altered her voice. Viola took her hand trying to convey some reassurance through the touch.  
"You're right, of course," Orsino conceded. "But I don't understand the pretense of friendship when you obviously want to be pragmatic about it."  
"I find diplomacy to be very useful," Olivia argued.  
"I don't see the point if we're to fight for them."  
Viola felt very childish being discussed but not included in the conversation. She looked at her brother and saw a similar combination of annoyance and worry to his face. It was the worry which kept them from storming off in protest.  
"Fight for them?" Olivia scoffed. "Do you even know them?"  
"Not as much as I plan to," he informed in a dark voice that betrayed his decision to be as hurtful in his words to Olivia as she was being to him.  
"Do you really think you're enough for both of them?" Olivia attacked.  
"I never said that." The duke was all restraint. "I would nonetheless revel in my good fortune if I got more than I deserve, as sometimes happens."  
Olivia made a disgusted face, let go of Viola, stood up, and turned her back on them. She made it to the window and back. Her furious stare now contemplated Viola and Sebastian as well. "Well, don't you two have anything to say about all that?"  
The youngest twin rolled her eyes at her brother. "You hear that? The grownups are letting us in their conversation."  
Sebastian smiled deviously, breaking into laughter right after, upon seeing Olivia's offended expression. Orsino didn't appear to have the faintest idea what that exchange was supposed to mean. So much so he seemed to side with Olivia for once. "Why don't you say anything?" he asked the twins, sounding more curious and less accusatory than the countess, however.  
"It looks like war no matter what I say," Viola spoke her mind avoiding all eyes.  
"I love you both," Sebastian almost shouted, a scared look to his wide eyes as he went on. "I hate that you two are so intent on hurting one another. Olivia, did you really go through all the trouble of your uncle's attempt to match you two over dinner just to pick a fight?"  
"It's a fair question," Orsino engrossed. "Was this what you had in mind when you invited me in your house?"  
Now they all wanted to hear what Olivia had to say about it. She looked back at the three of them in her helplessness, and sat down. "I can't do this," she shook her head, and tried to hide her face from them. "I wish I could. I don't want to lose either of you. But I can't just negotiate my love."  
"Why not? We're already here, and you're already assuming the worst. Let's see what happens," Viola tried.  
"What's the point?" She drowned in self pity. "You'll go with him, won't you?"  
"There's a reason why you think that," Sebastian reminded her, and Olivia turned to him too horrified to say anything. "Am I wrong?" he insisted.  
"Why are you doing this?" she almost cried.  
"Why are you?"  
"What else should I do?"  
"You know what you want. Do that."  
"Fine!" she shouted. "I want to be with you two and I want this to end."  
"Are you sure that's all you want?"  
"I want you to shut up!"  
"What's that about?" Orsino asked Viola, apart from the main conversation.  
"Ask Olivia," she suggested, with a smile that confused him.  
"My lady, if there's anything else I should know, please tell me. This is already too strange. We can't afford to make it anymore difficult."  
She didn't say anything. Orsino started pacing the room, bringing his hands to the forehead in frustration. He stopped when Olivia stood up and held out her hand to him. There was doubt in his acceptance but he took the hand in his, and waited for her words. She didn't speak but pushed her lips against his in a moment's courage.  
It took him a beat longer than usual to recognize a kiss for what it was. When he did, his free hand pulled her closer to his lips.  
Olivia didn't want the kiss to end. She'd denied herself even dreaming of that for so long, now she felt letting go would surely kill her. Plus, she didn't want to explain herself. Well, Sebastian and Viola knew her reasons but not Orsino, and he probably would want to know them. So pushing herself against him even harder, and giving into the kiss, was a choice made both to allow her to enjoy that moment of madness a little longer, and to delay the awkward explanation she'd have to give sooner or later.  
There was silence when the kiss was over. Orsino put some distance between them by taking his hands from her, which made her let go of his neck, even if she would've preferred to pull him back to another kiss. He looked slightly surprised, and the hint of a smile played upon his lips. "Why?" was all he managed to say.  
He seemed to have a lot of difficulty working that single word out, but for Olivia, who was supposed to make an explanation, it was even worse. She couldn't put two words together. All Olivia was able to do was stare at him in panic. Why had she followed Sebastian's advice? She should've known the consequences would be unbearable. Why else had she avoided this for so long?  
Orsino was still eyeing her, expecting words to come out of her mouth. And she was no closer to coming up with an answer than when he asked the question. She tried saying just any words but not even that was possible. "I-- I--" she stuttered but there was no real sentence she wanted to complete, so the stuttering continued, until Sebastian's voice reached both.   
"She likes you," he said, trying to unstick the conversation.  
"Do you?" Orsino asked, a little too surprised for someone who'd been kissed the way he had.  
Olivia nodded and held his gaze for long enough that she could see in his eyes the understanding. But she was also embarrassed enough that she didn't stand to keep eye contact anymore. She felt so exposed, it was strange the duke had to insist: "Please, my lady, tell me what I need to know."  
She was still gagged by her many disagreeing feelings, though she did want to say something, and not be responsible for the inevitable disaster their negotiation was fated to come to. "Maybe this will go better if we don't rush," Orsino suggested, offering Olivia his hand in order to direct her to a seat. Since the twins were now sharing one of the couches, both the duke and the countess sat on the opposite one. "Take your time," the man said with her hand in his. "But, please, speak your mind."  
"Sebastian is right," she blurted out, glad to be able to form a sentence, but horrified that even saying so little exposed her so much. "What's he right about?" Orsino encouraged.  
She looked at the twins for reassurance, and they both smiled and nodded, letting her know they agreed that was the way to go. But it was easy for them, they didn't have to do anything, just enjoy her humiliation. But keeping her dignity was a matter that made a lot more sense during the day. Right now she was intoxicated, tired, and thinking with her lower belly, not her head. She told herself to hold on to whatever fleeting courage she could find, like it had been with the kiss.  
"I think you're charming," she confessed, her heart hammering against her chest. "I wasn't flattering. I really think that."  
"Is this our friends's influence?" Orsino tried.  
"Yes and no," she admitted. Clearly the answer was too cryptical, because the duke still looked expectantly at her. She had to elaborate. "It's their influence that I'm telling you this. But my opinion of you is older than my acquaintance to them."  
"If that's so, why was I rejected?" he frowned.  
"Well, maybe it's because you're so conceited!" she accused, in hatred of the vulnerability resulting of telling the truth.  
"Excuse me?" Orsino was visibly offended, which the expectators found funny: how did he see himself.  
Olivia took a deep breath and held the duke's gaze. "I believe," she continued, "you were sure I'd say yes because I needed a man, and couldn't be expected to sway my household without one."  
"Was that enough to gain your despise?" He was going for surprised, but he didn't hide his offense very well.  
"Everyone was saying the same. I had to prove I didn't need a man. Even to myself. And the fact that I couldn't keep my feelings for you in check just made me angrier. If I married you, everyone would think it's because I need a man to take care of me and my household. I would think that. But it doesn't mean I didn't secretly feel giddy when your messengers started coming."  
Cofessing was a horrible, agonizing feeling. It was also like tripping: easier to let herself be carried by the momentum than to stop the motion, though the impending crash seemed to be a painful one. That's why she was able to keep talking.   
Now that Orsino was a bit more satisfied by her words, he decided to speak: "I never meant to offend you, my lady. But if I seemed overconfident without reason… well, I think you too were instructed from an early age to act like you're sure of everything you do, even when the decision is to leave it up to the gods. That's all it was, an act."  
Olivia noticed he wasn't comfortable admitting that either, and it was a relief she wasn't the only one who didn't know what to do. They exchanged a look, and she was surprised that his nearness made her anxiously excited but not angry. It was her turn to talk, she noticed. "I have convinced myself, if no one else, that I am fully capable of running my estate. So the idea of marriage doesn't sound like a defeat anymore. But admitting my feelings for you still felt like a weakness that I couldn't allow myself to have. Until our friends pulled the truth out of me," she pointed a hand to the opposite couch.  
"And she hated me for that," Sebastian joked, entering the conversation with every intention of making it easier.  
She let herself laugh at that, after all, the amount of built up energy from the talk had to become something, and right now nobody was touching.  
"One would think the honest conversation about feelings had happened between the girls," Orsino teased the boy, sparing him a long, fond look.  
"I know you don't believe what you said," Sebastian responded just as fondly. The duke spared a single laugh for the comment, and nodded too, confirming the statement.  
"What should we do about it?" Orsino asked the boy, adding Viola to the debate by asking half the question looking at her. Then he turned back to Olivia: "What do you want to do about it?"  
She noticed all three pair of eyes looking at her curiously, as if she had been the only one asked. "Why do I have to go first?" she complained.  
"Because we don't know what you're going to choose," Viola told her in the same sweet tone she used when they were in bed. "You told me once your decisions rarely reflect your desires. So we can't take a guess about you. You'll have to tell us."  
"Fine," Olivia whined, thinking it very unfair. "But you didn't say anything either." She meant all three. And to the twins: "Just that you love both of us." Instead of simply pointing she lay her palm on Orsino's knee. She was surprised at herself, and removed the hand in embarrassment. "It's quite alright," the duke let her know, and offered his hand. Olivia was about to reject it out of habit but caught herself in time to do the opposite. Yes, he would know she wanted it, but wasn't that the whole purpose of this torment?  
She had partially expected him to place her hand back on his knee. Instead he kept it in his, both lying on his thigh. It was nice too. Then she remembered it was still her turn. " I don't need a husband," she resumed, and took a deep breath. "I think everyone can see that much," Orsino said during her pause. She shot him a warning glance not to interrupt her again. She wasn't sure he understood but she preferred to go to the point: "If I could love you on my own terms, I would do that but it can't be. No one would tolerate such a thing. And if you and I get married, where does that leave Viola and Sebastian?"  
"But what do you want to do about it?" Orsino insisted.  
"I think it's rather obvious, is it not?" Their expectant faces told it wasn't. "I think we should let the world believe you and I have become family through marriage, and that this intimacy we're planning on building is nothing more than an attempt to please our spouses," she pointed the couch before her.  
"Wait, you want to marry me?" Sebastian questioned, sounding so surprised it was a hit to Olivia's confidence. "If you don't like the arrangement…" she trailed off disappointed.  
"No, that's not it," he promised. "Of course I like it. I'm just surprised you want to do that," he explained himself in earnest.  
"Don't be offended," she warned, "but that's not what I want. I'd much rather be my own man but there's no precedent to that. Marrying you and keeping brother and sister close to us," she pointed Orsino and then Viola, "well, that's what I can live with."  
Olivia still felt anxious, and feared anyone of the three might break her heart forever at any moment, yet she didn't want to conceal her feelings like she had. It was also a relief that her words were enough for now. Sebastian was smiling in wonder at her, Viola, Orsino, his feet, the room.  
The duke, however, stood up and went to Viola, offering his hand. She took it, stood up, and let herself be guided to the window, where he whispered in her ear: "What do you think of this solution?"  
Viola knew she would've been just as excited if he had whispered almost anything else. His question, however, was troubling. She wasn't sure he would ask her what she was hoping for, and didn't want to be made a fool of by being too honest. Except she saw no other way around it. "I can't think of any other arrangement I like better," she admitted."I would have no complaints." She decided it was good enough an answer: honest, even if restrained.  
Orsino pulled out his smallest ring and tried to place it around her ring finger but it was too loose. It didn't keep Viola from looking at it pleased, and then at him, who was a little frustrated the ring wasn't a perfect fit. He forgot about it when his eyes met Viola's again. He bent a knee, and proposed: "I vow to love and protect you, and any you love, for the rest of my life, if you so desire. Will you be my wife?"  
"I will," she gladly accepted, pulling him back to his feet, and enclosed her betrothed around her arms. He kissed the top of her head, holding her as well.  
Viola hadn't opened her eyes yet when she felt Olivia joining the hug. Sebastian was next. Her brother kissed her cheek and turned to Orsino, who met the young man's lips with his own, while Olivia kissed her future sister-in-law. It turned into a fourway kiss without any thought. When it ended, it was Sebastian who commented: "That was easier done than I had imagined. The kissing, I mean,” not the discussion, obviously. All agreed.  
It didn't take long for Orsino to decide: "Sebastian, we have a façade to keep. We should go."  
They agreed to say goodbye for now, and meet the next day to discuss the details. Both pairings talked between themselves through the night, since there was much to be figured out about their unique situation. But those conversations concluded nothing, since the matters they raised couldn't be discussed by all four. That made the following afternoon rich in its variety of topics.  
"Is it going to be a double wedding?" Sebastian asked the ladies, since he suspected they'd planned everything overnight already.  
"Of course," his sister said bluntly.  
"It's as close as we can get to what we would like. After all, we can't all marry each other, but I think that should give us that ilusion," Olivia clarified.  
"I like it," Orsino agreed. "We'll hold a great celebration," he continued, "here in my house. Great enough that you two will have to stay, for it will be late when the feast ends." All that was said with a wicked smile, obviously thinking himself very smart to have come up with that plan.  
"Well, I think it'll do," Olivia agreed. "We should set a date."

*

"Will you be watching?" Viola whispered to her brother, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea, despite everything he'd witnessed.  
"I hope to be busy with my own… thing?" He blushed at the end, and tried to shrug it off. "And we have seen so much, it can't be that different," he looked away as he spoke, only meeting her gaze in silence.  
"I guess that's not really what I'm worried about," Viola confessed.  
"We'll be fine," he promised. "It's more than we hoped for, so I suppose it's natural we feel nervous," Sebastian considered.  
His words did make her feel better. She hugged him, and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you then." She left.  
Viola and Olivia were dressed together and rode the same carriage to the church. The ride was silent and solemn, both brides contemplating their futures. When the car came to a stop, they exchanged a quick peck to the lips and readied themselves.  
Olivia had confessed her hatred of the idea of being given away. She would follow every tradition but to Viola and the men she had made it clear she thought it was ridiculous. It didn't make it any better that the fatherly role fell to sir Toby. She had secretly hoped he would be too hungover to wake up, but she didn't have such luck. The man, however, hadn't had a lot of time to drink before the ceremony, so he was as sober as anyone could expect from him.  
Viola didn't have any problem with the tradition. She'd never given it any thought until Olivia had made her criticism, which was obviously right, now that she thought about it, but still didn't bother her. Viola's problem was of a different nature: ever since her father's death, she'd thought Sebastian would be the one walking her. Because he was getting married at the same time, he couldn't. They had no other family left, and unlike Olivia she didn't want to walk herself down the aisle. And finally it occurred to her that it was a sort of poetic justice that the sea captain who brought her to Olivia should be the one to give her away.  
The ceremony itself went in a blur. Too much went through Viola's mind for her to keep track of the time. She had no idea how long it had been when she was declared married to Orsino. In her heart, she made the same vows to Olivia, who probably knew it and did the same, but that was the silent part.  
The ride to Orsino's palace was the moment the two couples had to be alone together and swear the vows made to one were true for all of them. The shaking of the car didn't allow for comfortable kissing, though. That would have to wait.  
Viola and Sebastian hardly knew any of the guests. But they were now married into Illyria's aristocracy, and it was time they learned what it meant. It was their wedding day, so people were supposed to be as gentle as possible to them but Viola knew very well that the kind of people who made the worst comments usually had a way of doing so that only the offended part took notice. She worried about that every time she met a new person.  
She asked Olivia if she thought it could happen, to which she responded it was most likely to happen, and Viola was expected to be the bigger person in such case. "I don't think I can do that," she worried.  
"Of course you can, it's easy: you play dumb and act like you're too happy to care about them," she instructed. "They'll hate you for it, of course, but why would you care? It's not love for each other that binds us to them. It's duty. And there's always the chance one of them will be worth meeting," she added the last part in hope of cheering Viola even a little.  
The younger one offered her a smile, as if Olivia were the one in need of reassurance which made her smile condescendingly. "If anyone is mean to you, we'll destroy them," the countess promised in the same loving tone she used when telling Viola she was beautiful.  
*  
She had told herself to be patient so many times that when they finally left the ball room it was caught her by surprise. She entered the bedroom in a very panicky state, which was made worse by the waiting. She didn't know what was taking so long, after all, Orsino's clothes were much less elaborate than a wedding dress.  
When he finally got to the bedroom, Olivia and Sebastian followed. They had been sneaking around, and it showed in their giggling. She looked at them, wondering how they would do that, and whether everyone was thinking the same.  
It was Olivia who came to her, and said: "I think I want to marry you first." She kissed her eagerly, making Viola desperate for more. And Olivia gave her much more indeed. Between that and her own claiming of Olivia's body, she had only a glance of the men engaged in similar fun. When Sebastian started disputing Olivia with her, she turned her attention to Orsino. She couldn't wait. She actually attacked him. And he didn't hide how much he loved it.  
*  
She had no thoughts, only a sense of completion that cared for absolutely nothing. Heaven meant resting her head on her husband's shoulder. She could hear Olivia's breath and it was soothing even with her back turned and eyes closed.  
Sebastian played with her hair. She didn't think anything of it until he used its ends to tickle her. Viola couldn't find the energy to tell him to stop, so she just hoped he would. When he did, it wasn't the way she had expected: he spooned her like they always did but it had never been just their skins touching. She didn't feel sisterly about it.  
Stop it, she told herself before anything worse could cross her mind. The effort died as soon as a kiss met her neck. Don't be absurd, she dismissed the thought. Except she wasn't imagining anything. Sebastian's hands were on her most sensitive spots. She turned her head, meaning to tell him off but he met her with a kiss as fiery as any from Olivia or Orsino. That's when she stopped telling herself she wasn't supposed to like it, and complied to everything.  
It was a variation of the way they slept, which felt very appropriate in their sudden passion.  
It was no surprise to find their spouses engaged with one another. And although Viola had a pretty good idea of how she could participate that, she could hardly keep her eyes open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this fic was written very late, after partying hard but being unable to sleep, so, yeah, very intoxicated writing. It's beyond my comprehension why anyone would read this, but if did, what more can I say except I fear for your mental health and also thanks


End file.
